


I Confess

by smicykook (orphan_account)



Category: K-pop, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Humor, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Tragedy, Comfort/Angst, Heavy Angst, I love all my readers, M/M, THANK YOU FOR STICKING WITH ME, Teen Angst, This is my first fic lol, dont kill me or else there wont be any more updates, dont worry the ending is not bad, hobi will be ok i swear, i will do this fic justice, im sorry for namjoon, sorry for not updating for a while i promise i will be better oof, that taejin interaction i found is adorable and im glad i wrote that part uwu
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-21
Updated: 2018-11-07
Packaged: 2019-04-25 21:00:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 25,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14387028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/smicykook
Summary: BTS is a 7 member K-Pop idol group. Seokjin, known as worldwide handsome, has a secret of his own. He starts off recording a log, recounting his story from 3 years ago. When tragedy punched BTS in the face. Seokjin tells what happened to BTS from that very day to the present. Including stories that were never given out to the public before. It seems there was more to BTS than just being famous musicians.





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to keep in touch;  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/smicykook)   
> [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/smicykook/)   
> Please leave kudos if you enjoyed this and comment any questions, feedback, etc.

To be honest, I’m not sure how to start this off. I’m not even sure if what I’m doing is right. I just have this strange feeling in my gut to share my story. No… it’s our story. This is the story of BTS. I am your narrator, Kim Seokjin. May 27, 2019.

                                                                                ***

Today marks the 3rd year anniversary. But before I talk about that, I must tell the story. This day 3 years ago, we were all at the studio. Well, all of us except for our leader, Namjoon. He wasn’t here since morning, saying that he wasn’t feeling too well. After practice, was over for the day, I decided that I would go back to the dorms to check on him. We were so busy today that I couldn’t even text him a simple, “ _How are you?”_

But I really wish I did find some time too. As I neared the dorms, I could see red and blue flashing light. My heart skipped a beat as I started picking up the pace. I tried my best to reassure myself that he was fine, but when I got there, my hopes have all been crushed.

 I ran to where he was lying on a stretcher, eyes closed, face pale, and a terrible wound that was planted directly on his heart. Suddenly, I was finding trouble breathing, my throat unable to swallow back the lump that has formed, palms sweating inexplicably, the wholeness of my body can’t move. A police man came up to me saying words I hoped I would never hear in my life.

“I’m so sorry for your loss Seokjin.” At this point tears were falling down nonstop. I couldn’t do anything but completely break down, going on my knees, forehead  making contact with the ground, fists frantically hitting the hard concrete, not caring how many cuts and scrapes I will get, or now much blood I would lose.

This all must be a joke. It has to be a joke. I continue punching the ground until my fists give out. My body is unable to contain all the mixed emotions I have, rage, anger, guilt, sorrow. Normally, I would able to compose myself until I am all alone to let it all out. But that’s not the case this time.

I slowly get back up on my feet, eyes still blurry with my head spinning as I try to stay on my two feet, stumbling forward a few steps. I take a good long look at his face, trying to find evidence that he’s still alive. But I find nothing, just his relaxed face, as if he were sleeping. Though it is unnaturally pale, all blood drained. His lips have turned to a bluish-purple shade, not the rosy pink that I am used to seeing.

My eyes are unable to form tears anymore, so I just stare at his body having no more tears to cry. I want to take my phone to contact the others, but my hands are shaking uncontrollably, so I call back for the police officer. Trying to find words to say has never became a challenge to me in the past, but now I can’t even find myself to breathe without actually thinking.

“C-Can you please call the others for me, officer?” is all that I could manage at my current state.

He nods in response, not questioning anything. He walks away with a phone on his ear, as I turn back around to look at our leader again. A sudden wave a nausea washes over me, bile slowly creeping up my esophagus and up to my throat. Not having the strength to go in the dorms, I fall on to my knees, coughing up whatever comes out of my mouth onto the very ground I was standing on.

It wasn’t much tough, since I only drank water to survive the whole day. But that didn’t give an excuse for my body to give out. I fall to my side, panting and exhausted. Stars are dancing in front of my eyes, my head spinning like crazy. I try my level best to avoid blacking out. For the most part, I was successful. Of course I have to give credit to Hoseok who was shaking me violently to wake up.

I must have said something that was incoherent to him. Because he then tells me, “Seokjin Hyung, please don’t tell me you are drunk.”

I clear my throat to the point where I thought I would vomit again, then I spoke, my voice raspy “I-I’m fine Hobi.” Is all I can get out before tears fall down my eyes again. He and the others give me a sympathetic look as tears brim their own eyes.

Taehyung comes from behind and brings me into his tightest embrace. I didn’t pull back, feeling as if he lets go, my life will go along with it. He whispers into my ear, “Don’t worry Hyung, you don’t need to stay strong for us. You let out all your emotions, we will stay strong and be with you the whole way. I promise.” He ends with his voice slightly wavering.

I can’t blame him though, he and the others aren’t used to me crying so bluntly in front of them. And the fact that our leader is no more, doesn’t make matters any better. Yoongi and Jungkook walk over together to where Namjoon lies, motionless. The youngest crying almost immediately, Yoongi rubbing his back with a sad look, fighting his tears back.

Jimin stays by my side, crying silently. My twisted heart twists even more at the sight, Jimin is the softest out of all of us, and to see him cry makes guilt crawl all over my body, haunting my very existence.

I want to stand up and bring them all into a group hug. They aren’t showing it, but I can _feel_ just how much pain they have inside. I want to comfort them, like I always have, being the eldest. But without even the strength to breathe, I lie there, not knowing what to do.


	2. Nothing Lasts Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ha, what a fucking joke. How are we supposed to cool down when our leader just left us?

Seconds, minutes, hours passed. I wouldn’t know, when your whole had been turn upside down, you have the tendency to lose track of time. 

Namjoon’s body had been taken away to cleaned up. We were just told to go back to the dorms and cool off. 

Ha, what a fucking joke. How are we supposed to cool down when our leader just left us?

My chest twisted inside of me at the thought of stepping inside our- no, it’s my bedroom now. 

Yeah that’s right, me and Namjoon were roommates. So naturally, I can’t even step inside without the crushing news that he won’t be in there to greet me with his dimples showing evidently. 

Just thinking about it made my head spin. 

Afraid to step into my bedroom, I go to Hoseok’s room. He rooms with Yoongi, but he had went to comfort Jimin and Taehyung, leaving Hoseok alone.

I step into his room, hesitant at first since I didn’t knock, but he already caught sight of me and gave me a sad smile which i took as a sign that I could enter. 

I plop down on his bed, the noise of the bed springs loud in the quiet room. I mean I couldn’t blame the room for being quiet, there really wasn’t much for us to say. 

I stare blankly at the walls for quite sometime, letting the events that just happened sink in.

Namjoon...our Kim Namjoon...is gone.

At that moment is when I lost it….again.

Tears jump out of my eyes, flowing down my cheeks like a raging river. It’s deja vu, I guess you could say. 

I tried to keep it silent, but i guess my constant sniffling have it away. Though I couldn’t see, I could feel Hoseok’s eyes on me, noticing that I started crying yet again.

The sound of him getting up and sitting back down next to me fills the room, his slender arms wrapping around me into a tight embrace makes me start balling all over again.

I nuzzle my head into his chest, soaking his shirt with my tears. I could feel his tears falling on my hair, I didn’t have the energy to give it much thought.

Hoseok was the silent mourner, he never showed his tears much around us all as a group. The times that he did, though, hit us harder than anything else we have been through.

We remain in that position for God knows how long. I didn’t want to move. It hurt to even breathe ,in my opinion. 

Hoseok’s chest was warm against my cold skin. He always had a way of being so warm, even when distressed.

This was why we called Hoseok the Hope of the group. He had a way of being a huge ball of sunshine at all times….except these.

These were one of those few times where everyone, even Yoongi, losses their composure. 

I mean, how could you be happy with your leader dead?

Even Hoseok had a hard time smiling.

The world was moving on, not giving a fuck about who dies. I wish it was that easy. 

Feeling like time has stopped, and stuck in a time warp isn’t something you fell everyday.

That feeling only comes when you can’t distinguish between reality and your own thoughts.

The two blend into one, and once you fall into that hellhole, it’s a repeating cycle of sorrow, anger, and guilt.

I sighed, relaxing in Hoseok’s embrace. I had no more tears to shed. 

I want to stay strong for the group. Being the eldest, it should be easy. But now when the they all needed me, I let them all down because I can’t even keep myself together. 

That’s how selfish I am.

I wish I could be strong like Yoongi. Before today, the guy had a knack of keeping his cool. He had his own way of comforting the rest of us when we needed it. 

Of course he would break now. Everyone breaks at one point in their life, right?

No matter how strong one is...there is one event that will definitely make them burst into millions of pieces. 

And once they thought they had been put back together, realization gives them a good slap on the ass as if to say ha you wish.

The fact creeps in slowly but surely...you will never be the same.

Yeah, that’s the best way to put it. 

I wouldn’t know for sure though, this is just me trying to insert myself in Yoongi’s shoes.

Yes you guessed right, I have been broke before. 

Maybe not to this extent no, but I have had my share of grief throughout my sorry 27 fucking years of my pathetic life.

I finally will my eyes to open, the brightness of the lights making me go blind.

Hoseok must have felt my grimace and blinking, because he changed into a lying position with my head buried deep into his chest. To the point that all I can see is black and smell the familiar soapy scent that is Hoseok.

Normally it would be the other way around, Hoseok would be nuzzling my chest while kept him in my tightest embrace.

But that was normal.

At this rate, I don’t think I know what normal is normal.

Hearing a light knock on the door is what pulls me from my trance...if that’s what you called it.

Hoseok hums in response. It’s his way of letting us know if we could come in.

Soft footsteps come closer until they stop by the bedside, where me and Hoseok were cuddling, if you you could call it that.

I wriggle out from Hoseok’s tight but comforting embrace to the point where I could turn my head to see who it is without detaching myself from Hoseok’s body heat.

I open my eyes slowly this time as too not go fast like the time before. It takes time to focus, but when it does I could see that it was Yoongi. I take the time to register his appearance, eyes are bloodshot, hair is messier than usual, cheeks sunken more than normal. Yep, this isn’t the Min Yoongi you see everyday.

“Yoongi….” my voice comes out a hoarse whisper, not what I intended it too be.

He opens his mouth as if to respond but what comes out instead is a painful sob ripping through his body.

Yoongi slowly gets to his knees hiding his face on the bed. I get up from my position next to Hosek to move closer to Yoongi.

I place one hand rubbing his back while the other massages his head in an attempt to comfort. He leans into the touch, drawing me into him until we are practically millimeters away from each other.

Hoseok scoots to our position and starts whispering sweet nothings into our ears, soothing the tense feeling in the room. 

I wish I could stay in this position forever.

But of course, nothing lasts forever.

After shedding rivers of silent tears, we all sit back up to relax our aching muscles that were strained, sitting in the same position for so long. 

Yoongi wipes away the remaining tears that jumped out with his sleeve, then clears his throat.

“I know this is very bad timing, but we need to make quick decisions before the company decides to dispose of his body without us.”

The silence hung still as he spoke, making his voice louder than it actually was.

“I spoke with the people from the funeral home...his funeral is set to take place in three days. And the company has instructed that we have four options on what we could do about his belongings. Either give them away, keep them, trash it, or give them to his family.”

Hoseok nods sullenly. 

I just keep staring at the wood floor. This is a lot of information to take in all at once.

“And as far as the funeral is concerned, it is private and only idols that are close to us and family is allowed to come. I was able to speak to his mother, and she said that she would like all seven of us to take the position as head mourners, due to his father dying when he was young, the position was opened, and well she said that we were the closest to him besides his father and it was only right that we take the spot.” Yoongi ended trying to sound strong, but clearly failing.

I let out a soft sigh and finally look up to meet his eyes, nodding. 

“Thank you for taking initiative, Yoongi, we appreciate it.”

Yoongi just returns the nod and pats my shoulder before leaving the room, letting one last tear drop in the tense room. 

Not too long after Yoongi leaves that drowsiness washes over me and I drift off to sleep, not even trying to resist.

 

***  
Flashback 

One Year Ago

(Namjoon’s Pov)

I smiled at myself as I reread the lyrics I just finished writing. It was so meaningful, poetic, twisted with metaphors that were deep. 

That feeling doesn’t come too often.

I had to rewrite this song over a hundred before I got it perfect.

Yoongi Hyung yelled at me for staying up so late staring at my laptop for hours, typing then undoing it.

Hobi Hyung scolded me everytime he noticed the dark circles under my eyes get more prominent. 

The only Hyung who didn’t get angry at me was Jin Hyung. But even then, he still gave me that look of disapproval everytime he hears that I stayed up late yet again.

I try, I really do try to go to sleep. But it bothers me that my lyrics aren’t perfected yet. And that keeps me up, wide awake.

That’s why I find myself end up in the studio maybe an hour after going back to the dorms.

Tonight wasn’t any different…or so I thought.

 

—-

(Seokjin’s pov)

I was just about to go back to the dorms.

I came here to get something I had left but I fell asleep on accident and just woke up now.

Just a few more steps and I would’ve been out, but then I see a faint light coming from one of the other studios.

I go to check it out, maybe one of the members forgot to turn off the light before leaving.

It’s happened before so I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case.

I near the studio and peek through the window to see if anyone was inside.

A small gasp escaped my lips when I saw the familiar tall man seated on the chair, staring intently on the computer in front of him.

Of course he had done it once again.

Namjoon always has a habit of staying late in the studio working on his songs.

I’ve caught him multiple times before, but it still surprises me every time I catch him again, it just shows how dedicated he is to his work...and just how much sleep he lacks.

I shake my head in disapproval, not even bothering to knock before entering the room.

Namjoon spinned his chair around, yanking out his earphones, dark circles prominent under his eyes.

We just stared at each other for a couple of moments in a comfortable silence.

Finally I gave up and broke it.

“Joon you really have to stop overworking yourself like this. How many times do I have to emphasize to you that your sleep is important?”

Namjoon just sighed in response. His tense shoulders finally relaxing.

I walk over to kneel in front of him and examine him closer.

We make direct eye contact when he says, “Sorry Hyung, you know how it is. I just can’t sleep unless I finish these lyrics.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I got better, right?  
> Its been a day since Love Yourself 轉 'Tear' and Im loving every second of it  
> Magic Shop is definitely my theme song lol  
> happy birthday to me myself and I  
> its been like over a month since I published this heh, forgive me for the long wait  
> 


	3. Last Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our leader is going to be laid under the soil to rot.

Present

Today is the day.

Our leader is going to be laid under the soil to rot.

I am wearing my full black suit, the one I have only wore once before. That was to my father’s funeral, three years back.

The noona’s here insisted that I get my makeup done, even though their work will all go in vain not even an hour after they put it on my face. 

That’s just how weak I am.

The other members were almost done by the time I finished up with the makeup artists. The tension in the room is suffocating, but as much as I want to say something, I didn’t know what to say.

So I did what I’m best at, keeping quiet and looking down at the floor that became suddenly very interesting to stare at.

I could hear the nervous shuffling coming from the maknaes, I presume, and the bustling from the busy streets of Seoul.

Honestly, I would like to remain like that on totally different circumstances, looking out the window and watching the day pass by. I’d much rather do that.

Bang PD~nim came in and said it was time for us to get into the van that would take us to the funeral venue.

Somberly, everyone walked out, me being the last one as I lingered back a little to tie my shoes. 

The ride to the funeral was deadly silent, to the point where Tae and Jimin were to fall fast asleep, despite them being the lightest sleepers out of all of us.

Stepping out of the van, we were greeted by our other idol friends and our family members. Namjoon’s mother came and greeted us with tears streaming down her face while hugging us, as if we were her own children that had lost our dear brother. Which was, in a sense, very true.

We followed his mother to the very front where it was reserved just for us. Behind us stood his closest friends, relatives, and family. I got a tap on my shoulder, so I turned around to face Got7’s Jackson, his eyes puffy, from crying most probably. He gave me a sad smile, that broke my heart into a million pieces. My vision blurred as he pulled me into a silent embrace, rubbing my back for comfort. 

I thought dealing with his death was bad enough, but I never stopped to think how his childhood friend was going to feel after he got the news. Jackson and him were friends since they were young, and I’m sure if one were to find out that their possibly very first friend had died, it would seem like the end of the world to them.

“How did you find out?” I whispered even though it was muffled since i was speaking against his shoulder, but he seemed to hear it.

“I saw it on twitter at first, but I didn’t believe it until my manager confirmed it.” He replied honestly, though his voice was hoarse from possible hours of crying.

“I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault. It always is.” I sobbed out, sincerely meaning every word. It was all my fault.

He squeezed my shoulder as if to give reassurance, “Shhh, it’s not your fault.”

That broke my heart even further, Jackson didn’t know the full story. No one did. 

We broke the embrace as the crowd started quieting down. Bang PD went on the podium to give the opening speech.

“We come here to commemorate the loss of a very important person. He was our most respected leader of Bangtan Sonyeondan. He was our main lyricist, producer, and rapper. He was kind, generous, and had all the qualities of a great leader. He is our very own Kim Namjoon..”

Memories flood back from debut days. From the happy days to the sad days. All the days spent with him.

One wouldn’t understand how much of a loss it is until you truly knew him. 

It would be an understatement to say that I missed him. 

I missed his whole existence. 

Hell, I even miss the times he was so clumsy and broke something by just looking at it. I remember the times where I would just shake my head in disappointment, but chuckle as he looked so flustered in embarrassment. I would fix it and then comfort him when he would get upset at how he was such a clumsy leader. That night I would make his favorite food for dinner to cheer him up.

I remember the times he would get stumped in the process of producing. I would stay up and help him out.

Those days he would put himself down saying he is a terrible leader and they would never make it. I would scold him for saying such things. Ha, years later look how far we have gotten. 

But now he wasn’t here, how would we move on?

I spaced out during the whole speech, flashbacks flooding my brain, making it go on overdrive. 

It was time for the procession, we got up to stand next to his coffin. My hand, trembling, reached out to his and automatically entwined our fingers out of habit. 

Yoongi held his picture, his picture where he is smiling to the point where his adorable dimples showed. 

God, I miss his dimples the most.

After putting his coffin in the van, we went inside as well. Taking the silent ride to his burial place.

Hobi sat next to me. Taking my hand and massaging it with his own. I rested my head on his shoulder, the weight of it has gotten to heavy for my spine to balance. 

I looked across me to see Jimin. His cheeks and eyes were puffy. His natural blush becoming more prominent for his continuous crying for so long. I gave him the most sincere small smile I could muster to bring his mood back up even just a little. He was our mochi baby. He didn’t deserve sadness in his life.

Jimin’s soft amber eyes is the last thing I remember seeing before I dozed off to the soft rolling of the van.

 

***  
Seokjin’s Dream

I lay flat on my back, staring up at the clear skies. 

They say that when you die, you don’t feel anything in particular. You’re just...there.

So does that mean I died? I don’t feel exactly alive, but I don’t feel dead either…

It’s just a dream, I guess. Though it would’ve been nice if it was real. Then I could escape reality and all it’s cruel attacks on humanity.

They say you won’t know how real pain feels until the one dearest to you has left.

That saying was so fucking right even though I hated to admit that. Life was so unfair, playing it’s cruel jokes on us.

I kept staring at the sky where currently white puffy clouds were passing by. One was shaped like a train with the steam coming out of the engine.

Life was a train.

Where it would stop at a station for people to come and go. Some would pop up and fade away just as easily as they came into your life. Those people were like teachers, doctors, etc. 

Then there were the people who sat right next to you for the whole ride. People like family, friends, etc. They would be right by your side all the way til it’s time for them to step off the train as send you off on your own to be an independent person.

Then the day will come where you would have to step off the train yourself. Carrying all happiness, sadness, regrets, etc. with you.

That was just how fast life was.

It was so cruel, not giving you enough time to do all that you dreamed to do. Leaving the people left on the train to do them for you.

That’s why people say to make the most out of your life because you only have one and you don’t get any refunds.

Now is when I finally understood that.

I remember my halmeoni would give me her long lectures on how I should take care of my life every time I got in trouble.

It all made sense now.

It made perfect sense.

Life was short. It could end on a sour note and beautifully, depending on your choices. It doesn’t wait for you to understand everything. Hell, it doesn’t even wait for you to put a second thought to your choices. 

That’s why you needed to put a second thought to your choices before you make them.

That’s why you had to be careful with the people who you hang out with.

That’s why you had to take extra good care for yourself.

I wish I had known all of this earlier. Then maybe...just maybe I would’ve made different choices. I wouldn’t have acted so irrationally during my younger days. 

With the meaning of life still buzzing through my mind, I sat up to take a good look around my surroundings. 

It was a beautiful meadow, with trees and flowers of indescribable colors shining at the warm sun. A slight breeze made the leaves on the trees rustle and my hair was pushed back. I admired the sight of the flowers shimmering and dancing with the breeze, not having a care in the world. 

If only reality was that easy.

Lying on this grass...I could stay like this forever. I wouldn’t want to move a muscle if I could stay like this for all eternity. Ha, I would be totally fine with dying in my real life if it meant that I could stay here.

Stay here forever. 

Here...wherever here is...it was peaceful. There was no reason to shed tears here. There wasn’t even a specific reason to be happy either. It was just that existing in this world, there wasn’t anything to worry about.

Sure, it was lonely here, but as long as I could get the peace did it really matter that I was alone? 

I guess this is what people called Paradise.

I mean it felt that way anyway. 

In Paradise, there wasn’t millions of people watching your every move. There weren’t people to cry over when they left you. 

People think that living the Idol life is easy.

What a fucking joke.

The Idol life is filled with hardships, sorrows, regrets, etc.

The Idol life is hard to keep up with, and if you fell behind, it was hell just to try and catch up again.

In the Idol life, you needed to deal with the haters. God, it was like going through hell on earth when reading all the hate comments on twitter.

I spent hours on end reading comment after comment, seeing how people were satisfied at criticizing our every move.

It didn’t help that some of our loyal fans were haters in disguise. 

The people who invaded our own privacy was even worse.

Privacy is nonexistent nowadays, so I guess it really didn’t matter if people hacked our own accounts and stole our private information.

My brain hurts just thinking of all this bullshit. Why couldn’t people be just decent human beings for once was beyond my comprehension. 

Suddenly the scene changed, instead of me sitting in that peaceful pasture, I was...falling? Yeah that seemed just about right.

I was falling into this dark void with no escape. 

I tried screaming, but no sound would come out. I tried grabbing, but there was nothing to hold on to. 

I just kept falling...falling...falling…

Finally I see something reaching out to me. It’s a...hand? I got a hold of it, and held on to it for dear life.

This hand...it was warm. It felt familiar under my finger tips. It was soft...and it had a callus on the middle finger, possibly from writing too much. This hand could belong to only one person.

This hand could only belong to Him.   
***

 

Present

The next time I woke up, we had already arrived at the burial site. 

His casket is in the process of coming out of the van while the six of us came out to help. This time Jimin held his picture, due to him growing too weak to bear the weight of the coffin, Yoongi handed him the picture while he took the coffin in Jimin’s place. 

The walk from the van to the burial place was a short but painful one. For one, it didn’t help that my knees keep buckling under the weight, and the other, it seemed like this is the last time I would be able to see his body before he’s covered in dirt forever. 

Wrapping my mind in all these newly found realizations made my head spin. If I could, I would leave myself to die slowly right next to him.

If I could, I would go back in time before any of this troublesome bullshit happened.

At first glance, one may think that Namjoon was perfectly happy and well. With the amount of activity he is on social media and his interactions with fans, one wouldn’t suspect a thing. 

But the truth was that Namjoon held so much pain in him, not even I could fathom just how much sadness he kept hidden deep in his heart. 

That’s why as a group we had decided that we would never make our leader upset. 

If only I would’ve kept that promise. Of course like everything else, it was all my fault. Just another mistake too add to my very long list of mistakes I’ve done over the course of my miserable, useless life.

I guess I deserved this. 

But only I deserved this. Not the five other boys who now depended on me as their oldest hyung. 

I felt bad for them. They had a pathetic loser as their leader. 

I was nothing like Namjoon and I doubt I ever will be. 

And here I am wallowing in self~pity. How can one get more selfish than me? 

God, I’m such a sore loser. 

As if on cue, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I snuck a glance to see it was Jackson. Really, this guy was something. Somehow he has this knack of showing up at the right time even without knowing it. It’s like he could read my thoughts loud and clear from kilometers away and he pops up to help out before I can dig a deeper hole than I already have. Which is if that’s even possible at this point. 

I let out a breath I hadn’t noticed I held until now. It’s like having even his childhood friend touch me could affect me in ways that shouldn’t be possible. This just proves even more of the fact that I miss him so much.

Yes, I miss Kim Namjoon so fucking much and there’s nothing I could do about his loss. I’m the helpless one this time...big time.

We made it to the spot where he was supposed to be laid. The hole was already dug up and was ready. All that was left to do was pay our last respects to the man who meant the world to us for the past couple of years and he always will be there in our hearts even if he isn’t there with us physically.

Bang PD~nim nodded at my direction, giving me permission to speak for everyone else. 

Jackson squeezed my shoulder one final time before he took his place by his members.

I inhaled in sharply before gaining my courage to speak. I was never that great with words, but I am willing to try because I don’t think I’ll be able to speak to him face to face after today.

“Namjoonie...we love you.” I started out. 

It sounded stupid of me to say something that was very obvious, but I felt like if I didn’t say it, I wouldn’t feel satisfied with my final words.

“Please...take care over there. I’m sure you’ll be watching over us. We will dearly miss you…” There I started rambling while trying my best to choke back a sob. 

Rambling was a nervous habit I had, but I guess everyone knew that because they didn’t try to stop me. 

I sighed before I got scolded for making this too long, “I started to ramble now eh Joon? You know how I ramble when I’m nervous. I guess I have to stop now before I get scolded. Goodbye, Joonie.” I sniffled as his coffin started to get lowered into the hole.

The first one to break down was Hoseok. 

He started balling all over again. Tear after tear, streaming down his face. 

I patted his back in comfort and it was as if his legs gave out. He leaned into my touch and I let him too. I embraced him into myself, allowing him to soak my shirt with his tears. 

He didn’t deserve this sadness.

No one here did.

No one here except for me.

I watched silently as the hole was getting covered back with the same dirt. All the while I didn’t move a single muscle, wanting to burn these last moments onto my brain forever. 

All that could be heard in the background was sniffling and weeping. Everyone on site was moved to tears. 

Jimin was crying on Yoongi’s shoulder, while the latter himself was silently crying. 

Jungkook was leaning onto Taehyung for support, but Taehyung himself looked dangerously pale, he looked like he would pass out any moment now. 

Jackson was openly crying a few feet away from where I was crying, Mark was by his side trying to comfort him though it kind of backfired as he was crying just as much. 

Namjoon’s mom was closest to his hole, holding a tissue box in one hand as she gently placed flowers on the ground, lighting a candle as well. 

And as for me. Well, you could just say that by the time we get back home, I won’t have any tears left to cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please forgive me! I meant to put this up sooner but lazy!smicy got the best of me heh  
> I originally intended to post this chapter two days ago but I didn't finish   
> I meant for this to be written better but I have a cold so I couldn't write it as well as I hoped too  
> Please enjoy!  
> Much love -Smicy


	4. Don't Cry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I groaned as I pulled myself up to a sitting position. My muscles were so stiff, it hurt just to breath.

I don’t remember coming back to the dorms and sleeping on my bed, but that’s where I was when I woke up. 

I guess this was the work of one of the others, so I made a quick note to myself to find out who it was and to thank them.

I groaned as I pulled myself up to a sitting position. My muscles were so stiff, it hurt just to breath. 

Sighing, I got up walked over to the desk that used to belong to Joon. It was mainly filled with piles of paper with unfinished lyrics...and they will probably never be finished. 

I was just about to walk away from it, but there was a small envelope that fell off the desk and it caught my attention. 

It didn’t have anything written on it, but there was a piece of paper inside. 

I stuffed it into the pocket of my sweats and decided to take a look at it later. For now, I need to take a piss and freshen myself. 

I go to the bathroom to do my businesses, then stop by the kitchen to get a glass of water. What I didn’t expect to see was Jungkook sitting at the table with his own glass of water in hand. 

He saw me first and quirked a curious eyebrow up. I sigh as I look down, not looking forward to making eye contact.

“Couldn’t sleep.”

He nodded, then patted on the chair next to him. I took his invitation and sat next to him as he got me a glass of water without me asking. 

A comfortable silence settled between us, something I guess was needed in our current situation. 

Finally he decided to break the silence.

“Sorry hyung I would like to stay up with you for a while longer, but I’m actually kind of getting sleepy as it seems.”

I nodded and excused him. 

Now it was just me at the table. 

I didn’t feel like going back to sleep just yet, I already lost my motivation to sleep. So I did the second best thing to do during this kind of situation, get drunk. 

I know I’m an idol that has a spotless reputation to keep, but honestly I can’t contain myself right now and I need something to keep my buzz or I’m sure to go insane. Getting wasted is my best option to go back to sleep. 

I grabbed a hoodie from the couch, not caring who’s it was, slipped my feet into comfortable sneakers, and silently headed out. 

Thankfully there was a face mask inside the pocket of the hoodie or I would’ve been screwed. I put my hood up as I made my journey to the nearest club. I pondered on going to a bar, but quickly changed my mind remembering the incident that happened there the last time. Something I wasn’t keen on being reminded on at the moment. 

I step into the club, the smell of whiskey hitting me face first. Of course I would expect the smell, but I didn’t expect it to be so…intense. 

The club was filled with unknown bodies. There were people on the dance floor making a fool of their drunken selves, people sitting at tables not looking forward to embarrass themselves in front of so many strangers, and then there were people who were...well let’s just say enjoying themselves in ways I would rather not mention. 

Who knew the madness of the club is what I needed in a time like this. 

I sat down at an empty table near the back of the club where it wasn’t as crowded. Then I waved to waitress over to just get me the whole bottle of whiskey. I wouldn’t want to trouble her when she had so many people to serve at once. 

After she handed me two bottles (because she was in such a rush that she accidentally handed me two instead of one) it didn’t take me terribly long to chug them both down. 

I stood up to start leaving only to get a tap on the shoulder. I turned around to become face to face with a familiar face that I can’t put a name to just yet. Maybe it was the alcohol or my bad memory that I forgot his name, but I know I’ve seen him multiple times before.

“What are you doing here Jin Hyung?” he asked with a questioning eyebrow. 

Ah it’s him, I remember now. 

“I- Hey Minhyuk. I didn’t know you were here.” I slurred as I tried not to fall over. I should’ve just stuck to one bottle knowing my low tolerance for drinking. But today just didn’t seem to be the day to care for that kind of stuff. 

“Hyung you’re drunk, and you almost never drink. Let me take you back home.” He said as he was reaching his arm out. 

I slapped his hand away, anger slowly flaring up. My alcohol-induced brain is getting the best of me.

“No, I can take care of myself thank you very much.” I said in a voice that was much more stern than meant to be. 

Minhyuk took a visible gulp and backed away. He had a worried expression on his face, but that didn’t stop me. 

“O-Ok hyung, if you need anything don’t forget I’m always here.” Then he walked away. 

I closed my eyes in an attempt to cool myself down. I’m not the type to get pissed off easily, but when I’m a little more than tipsy, well that’s a completely different story. 

I sighed as I made my way out of the club, and started walking straight to the nearest bar. Clubs were always too crowded for my liking, so today I had no choice but to go for the bar. 

 

***

 

It was dawn by the time I got out of the bar. So much for not getting alcohol poisoning. 

I somehow got out of the bar, but after walking one block, my legs gave out on me. I fell down on the hard concrete sidewalk, shivering badly even though it wasn’t cold. It wouldn’t be long before I passed out as well. 

I really would’ve passed out if I hadn’t heard Minhyuk’s voice first and forced myself to stay conscious. I mustered enough energy to pick up my head to see him running towards me. 

Damn this kid, hasn’t changed one bit. 

I smiled at the thought. Even back then the kid was so persistent on taking care of his hyungs, not even caring if he was told to get lost, that’s just the type of person he is. 

I remember back when I first met him. We honestly crossed paths by sheer coincidence only. Who would’ve known that we would both become idols and great friends at the same time.

It was during pre-debut days, I had to go grocery shopping because the fridge was very close to empty and if no one went all of us would starve to death, not only to mention that I’m the only one that could cook without burning the house down first.

I bumped into the boy on my rush to get home and start cooking, and I dropped all my groceries as well. He helped me pick them up with apology after apology. It took me to give him a small slap on his arm to make him stop apologizing and convince him that it was alright. He exhaled as if he was holding his breath for the past five minutes (which I think he was). Then he helped me up and asked a question that surprised me a lot.

“Are you one of the trainees at BigHit?” He asked with an innocent look in his eye.

I nodded dumbly because clearly I wasn’t used to being recognized considering hadn’t even debuted yet. 

“I saw you coming out of the building.” He clarified and it made a lot more sense.

The next question he asked me had me even more dumbfounded.

“U-Um if you ever have any free time, could you train me as well?” At this point his cheeks were tinted pink and it was quite cute to watch. 

This kid had pretty high expectations for someone who hasn’t even debuted yet, but something in me didn’t have the will to refuse him.

With a slight chuckle, I put my free hand on his shoulder, “Sure, but what’s your name? And are you my dongsaeng or….?”

He smiled so wide I thought his face was going to split any second now, “Lee Minhyuk. I’m a ‘93 Liner.”

‘93 Liner. Absolutely adorable.

“Aw you’re my dongsaeng! I’m Kim Seokjin, but you can call me Jin or hyung or both. I’m a ‘92 Liner.”

His sparkling eyes made my heart melt, how can one be so adorable and cute?

“Ok hyung! It was nice to meet you, but I better get going before my friends wonder where I went.”

I gave him one last smile and waved him off as he started walking away. Then I gathered a hold of myself and made my own way back home. 

The memory made a small smile creep up my mouth until a sharp pain shot up from the bottom of my spine up. A scream I wasn’t even sure I was able to make left my mouth, horrendous to the ear. 

My eyes shot open to see that the boy had made it too me and was calling out for me, but I couldn’t hear him. My ears are buzzing and I can only see his mouth moving. 

My vision was blurring and it didn’t help that my brain was fuzzy, that is probably why what happened, happened. 

The next thing I know, anger has flared up inside of me and I lashed out at the younger. My brain had been clouded by the alcohol, so the events that occurred after this point was under the influence of my drunken state. 

I was practically wrestling with the younger, but either the whiskey made me weak or he has just gotten much stronger that he was able to restrain me as he was half dragging me across the sidewalk. 

Cuts, scrapes, and bruises would be covering my whole body by the time I reached home. Minhyuk knocked frantically at the door, keeping his other arm securely around me so that I have no chance of escape. 

The door flew open and the one standing on the other side looked anything but happy. 

It was Hoseok.

He gave Minhyuk and I one good look then gasped, “Oh my god!”

I didn’t even have time think as he yanked me by the wrist and out of the warmth of Minhyuk’s grasp. He examined me closer then yelped with a horrified expression, “Hyung, you’re drunk!”

“Yeah I’m pretty sure that’s obvious, Hobi, you don’t need to fucking scream in my damn ear at ass o’clock in the morning.” 

A raspy voice, which I’m sure is from just waking up, came from behind Hobi and it was quite clear who it belonged to. “With all due respect, Hyung, he has the damn right to scream because one, you never drink, and two, you’ve never used more than one cuss word in one sentence and in all honesty, the cold demeanor doesn’t suit you at all, please leave that job to me.”

The Min Yoongi.

“You were never invited into this conversation so I would kindly advise you to fuck off before something very bad happens, Yoongi.”

Yoongi’s hand clenched into a fist, but before he could move, Jimin grabbed his wrist. “I don’t know what the hell is happening, but please calm down Hyungs.” 

I snorted, “Calm? What kind of bullshit is that?” 

Hoseok gave me a glare which I’m sure meant to shut the fuck up, but I just rolled my eyes because drunk!seokjin isn’t exactly the smartest one. 

Yoongi sighed and Jimin let go of his wrist after he deemed it safe to. 

Yoongi nodded as a silent thanks to Minhyuk, who was standing to my right but I completely forgot his existence. I’m sure I should be feeling guilty about this whole situation, but as it is, I don’t give a flying fuck. 

Minhyuk gave one last sad smile and left the dorm. Which led to the four of us standing in pindrop silence with tension high in the air. 

 

***

 

Hours later and after much thrashing I found myself on my bed with a bloody nose, a split lip, and maybe a sprained ankle. Poor Hoseok had to endure most of the punches I gave him, even our golden maknae got quite a few scratches from me. 

I sighed, my brain slowly clearing up from the alcohol. I pulled out the piece of paper that was still in my pocket from the previous night, somehow managing to stay dry this whole time. 

The folded paper felt soft against my rough hand, filled with calluses from the years of hard work. Hard work that definitely paid off that is. 

I thought back to the nights I spent before debut. Those sleepless nights I would spend with Taehyung and Jimin.

Those nights I would spend hours on end training my voice and my body to dance. 

I was never the best dancer. Ha, I’m still not. 

My voice was one of the few things I was better at than dancing. I took pride in my voice. I was able to hit notes most people couldn’t. 

The others would never say anything bad about me. More of they couldn’t. Because they wouldn’t want to hurt their Hyung.

But sometimes I wish they were more open and honest with me. 

They know I’m not the best of dancers, but whenever I would ask, they would just retort with a “No Hyung you’re great!” or a “You’re better than me, Hyung, what are you talking about?”

I would let it slide, because there was no use in arguing with them. 

I guess that was probably the disadvantage of being the oldest. The younger ones are just too kind e bough to truly hurt the older. 

Sure they would tease me in a joking manner. But it never went beyond that. 

I would spend so many hours going over the same steps of the same choreography to make it look smoother than it actually was. 

I wish I had gotten a body like Jimin’s. Heck, I would definitely even trade bodies with Jungkook even just for a day to know how it feels like to move so fluidly as if I was made of silk.

But as it is, I never get anything good in my life. 

Kim Seokjin, Worldwide Handsome, does not have a perfect life. 

It’s sad that people think that every idol’s life is complete and whole. 

Bullshit. 

An idol’s life is full of hardships and sorrow. It’s nearly impossible to find true happiness while being what people adore. 

Yet we are forced to suck it all up, no matter how bad the situation might be. We are trained smile at our fans no matter how fake it is. 

That’s when the guilt starts. 

The poor fans never know what is truly going on in an idol’s private life. I guess it’s better that way. 

Fans are forced to see only one part of the idol. Nothing more and nothing less. 

If it were me, I would definitely be more open with our faithful fans. Sadly, reality doesn’t work like that. 

You know when you are in the middle of an awesome dream that you would totally stay in for the rest of your life even if it meant that you would have to sleep forever, but then reality just has to be a bitch and pull you out of that dreamy state into the real world? Yeah, that’s what dreaming does to you and it’s too sad to be true. 

Dreaming breaks hearts. 

That’s what I believe in. 

Dreaming can do nothing but hurt you. If you want to achieve something, you need to make it your goal and work hard for it. 

Dreams do nothing but create fantasies that people end up believing that it can’t be accomplished, but in reality it is right in front of their fucking eyes, they just need to open their eyes and see. 

I have always wanted to be a good role model to my fans. 

And that is exactly what I am.

I don’t dream. I make goals and work my ass off until it is reached. 

That is the Kim Seokjin I want everyone to see. 

I don’t want my fans to remember me as the weak, useless Kim Seokjin of Bangtan Sonyeondan. 

I am the eldest for a reason.

That is why I promised myself long ago that I will use my position as eldest to be a good Hyung/Oppa to the younger generations all over the world. 

The future depends on the kids that are still growing up. But the kids growing up still need a good example to follow. 

That is where the older ones come in. 

We pave a path for the youngsters to follow in our footsteps, and make the world right again. 

While this information all formed in my mind, my hand unconsciously crumpled the piece of paper that too place in it. 

Silent drops of tears jumped out without permission, making my face wet with the rim of my eyes tinted red. 

With my free hand, I had pinched the bridge of my nose, a headache forming at the thought of crying for what has probably been the millionth time this week. 

I closed my eyes in fear of me creating too much noise and drawing attention to myself. The last thing the others would need is to take care of their week Hyung once again. 

 

***  
Flashback 

Six Months Ago

It was another sleepless night. There is only solution for that, go back to the studio and practice until I tire myself. 

And that is exactly what I did. 

The studio is a good 15 minute walk from the dorms. In that time period, I had decided what I would practice. 

As I stepped into the place, I went straight for the stereo system, playing our new title track for our comeback. It brought flashbacks of how much we worked our asses off preparing for comeback season. 

It was very stressful, but it was definitely worth it. 

In the end, the songs turned out as very pleasing, giving a lot of credit to our rappers who stayed day and night in their studio playing tracks over and over again, mixing beats until it was perfect. 

As the music started, I waited for the beat drop to start the choreo. Making my body move as fluidly as possible to the song. 

Comparing to when we had debuted, I would definitely say that my dancing has become much better. 

I wasn’t as stiff as I used to be and I’m proud. 

I repeated the dance as many times as possible, until I literally couldn’t move my body another centimeter without collapsing. 

I layed down on the smooth, wooden floor, gasping for air. 

Under normal circumstances, I would be scolding Jimin or Jungkook for doing the same exact thing. I guess doing this makes a hypocrite as well. 

I sat up as I felt my lungs constricting to the point that I couldn’t breathe and started coughing and wheezing for air. 

I tasted metal in my mouth, but didn’t think much of it as I was trying to live for goodness‘ sake. 

That is until Jungkook barged into the suddenly humid room, eyes wide and frantic. 

A moment later he yelped, “Hyung! You’re coughing up blood!” He rushed towards me. 

In the meantime I placed a hand on my mouth then checked to see that he was right, I was coughing blood. 

He sat beside me and rubbed my back in an act of comfort, handing over an newly opened water bottle at the same time. 

After a few more minutes of holding on to dear life, I was finally able to breathe normally again, and I gulped down all of the water in the bottle in one go. 

Jungkook squeezed my shoulder in reassurance, that made me finally make eye contact with him. 

I opened my mouth to say something, but he cut me off instead. 

“Hyung, what were you thinking trying to tire yourself out like that in the middle of the night?! And did you really think you were going to get away with it unnoticed?! You do realize that even if I wasn’t here that Yoongi Hyung or Namjoon Hyung would’ve caught you sooner or later right?!”

I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. 

“Yeah Kook I’m sorry, I guess I should head back to the dorms and get some rest.” 

“Don’t think you’re going alone, Hyung, I’m coming with you. And please don’t ever try doing something like that ever again.”

I nod a yes in response as we both get up to leave. 

The walk back to the dorm was silent. Not an awkward one. On the contrary, it was actually quite comfortable. 

The next day I woke up late. My bones and brain didn’t really cooperate either. 

I texted Jungkook and told him that they don’t have to wait for me, that I'm taking the day off. 

He replied and with an ok and told me to take care, courtesy of last night’s incident. 

I sighed as I placed my phone down. Last night wasn’t the first time this happened. 

It has been happening for actually the past month now. 

I did make a good job of hiding it until yesterday though. 

I didn’t take the time like usual to check if there was anyone else in the studio, so I am the only one to blame. 

I got up and started getting ready. Maybe it was time I paid a visit to the doctor, because clearly coughing up blood for the past month isn’t healthy.

Thirty minutes later, I step outside getting first hit head on by the cold brisk winter breeze, pushing my hair back and sending an intense shiver down my spine.

My birthday was in a couple of days and the breeze suited well with the setting my birthday is normally in. It should start snowing soon as well. 

I made my way through the busy streets of Seoul praying that I don’t get noticed by a fan or camera, with a beanie given to me by Yoongi, gloves, and a sweater perfect for the current weather. 

The doctor’s office wasn’t but a fifteen minute walk from the dorm so it didn’t take me long to reach there. 

Once I stepped inside, the warm are and scent of cinnamon is what hit me first. Then I walked over to check in with the receptionist. 

“The doctor will be right with you.” She said with a warm smile. I just nodded in return then sat in the nearest seat I could find. There weren’t many people here today so it wasn’t hard to find one. 

The next ten minutes went by fast. They called my name, the doctor met with me, I told her what was wrong. and then she took a couple of blood tests. 

Now here I am sitting on a chair in one of the smaller rooms at the office, after drawing out the last few drops needed from me for the blood work. 

The doctor came in next with a clipboard scribbling something down as she went. 

“I’m sure your case is just bronchitis, which is rarely ever life threatening and is very much curable, but I can’t tell you anything for sure until I get the results back for the tests, and that also includes prescribing medication or anything of that sort.”

She took her eyes off her clipboard and finally made eye contact with me.

“I see, thank you.” Is all I said with a genuine smile before leaving the office.

Something tells me there’s more to the story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably gonna take a tiny break from this fic cuz I'm gonna start an au on my main twitter soon  
> [Here](https://twitter.com/smicykook) is my twitter if you're interested


	5. Cruel Universe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My brain and heart, on the other hand, feels like it had been beaten innumerable times.

Present

Today was a new day. 

I woke up to my body feeling groggy, but my hangover gone, nonetheless my body was feeling perfectly healthy. 

My brain and heart, on the other hand, feels like it had been beaten innumerable times. 

Saying that I am sad would be a huge understatement. 

I felt terrible, remorseful, guilty, anything along those lines basically. 

I want to feel better, but I just don’t know how. 

I have fallen into this deep pit and I can’t seem to be able to climb back up.

It’s more of I can’t. 

All the things that have anchored me to reality has left me, all that is left is emptiness. 

Emptiness that can’t be filled. 

I don’t want to feel like this. I really don’t. 

It’s not a good feeling. 

I want to feel like what people believe me to feel. 

Happy, successful, and content with life. 

It’s seems as though that I have forgotten to smile. 

I don’t know what to believe in anymore. 

I don’t know how to trust, how to live without hurting, or just how to live in general. 

Pain has crept into my heart far too early in my life, but there’s no backing out now. 

I want to know how to cope with all these mixed emotions. 

The only way I know is to bottle them up inside of me and pretend it never existed.

I only know how to brush them off with humor if that’s what you even call it anymore. 

How do you live life to the fullest in the twenty-first century? 

Clearly, no one knows. 

And as far anyone is concerned, I don’t think anyone will. 

After quickly cleaning myself up, eating, and getting dressed, I made my way to the studio. The others had already made it there before me. 

They were all gathered together, so I figured that they were having a meeting. 

I slipped myself in as quietly as possible, as Yoongi acknowledged me with a nod. 

“Hyung you’re just in time.”

I raised my brow in obvious confusion. 

“For what?”

“We all had made a decision together, but we didn’t want to final it until you came.”

I looked at the others as they nodded in agreement. 

“Ok, continue.”

“The five of us had come to the conclusion that it would be best for all of us if we took a break as a group.” 

I took seconds to let that information to seep in. 

Break. 

After I didn’t respond for some time Yoongi continued.”We were thinking for maybe three months? What do you say?”

Three months break from the idol world. 

That really did sound like something all of us needed. 

Even though that would mean leaving everything behind here. It is definitely something useful for us to use, so that we could repair ourselves. 

For the first time since I stepped into the studio, I made eye contact with each and every one of them. 

Then I realized there was something missing. 

Actually, more of someone. 

“Where’s Hobi?”

They all looked at me then each other in shock, as if they just realized he was here. 

“H-He was just here a few minutes ago.” Jimin said. 

“He said he was going to outside to get some fresh air.” Taehyung replied. 

Fresh air? That doesn’t sound like something Hobi-like. 

I stood up rather quickly that I thought my knees would buckle. 

“I’ll go look for him, you guys stay here.”

I quickly got out of the studio grabbing my sweater, but not caring to wear the gloves or face mask I wore that morning. 

Grave mistake. 

For one, my hands felt like it was covered in ice by the time I tried to open my car. 

And second, I could hear the shutter of cameras. 

As much as I tried to ignore them, it didn’t stop me from almost breaking the steering wheel as I stepped into my car. 

I let out an exasperated sigh. I shouldn’t be letting these things get to me. I need to focusing on the task ahead of me.

Finding Jung Hoseok. 

I drove for a couple of kilometers, but my searching was to no avail. And by then, I had already attracted more than enough cameras to think this was a paparazzi. 

So I took my next best option. 

I parked my car near the farmers marcket and quickly got out. It wasn’t hard to blend in to the rest of the people there, considering I was wearing pretty dark clothing anyway. 

I walked down a few streets aimlessly, that is until something in the distance caught my eye. 

Actually it wasn’t a something, it was a someone. 

That someone, I realized as they got closer, was none other than the one and only Jeon Jungkook. 

By the time he reached where I was standing, his hands were on his knees gasping for air, as if he just ran a 10k marathon. 

“Hyung...we found Hobi-Hyung…” He said in between gasps and it got my attention immediately.

“Really?! Where is he now?!” 

There was a silence before he answered again. 

“He’s...in the hospital.”

That felt like a punch to my face. Ouch that hurt. Out of all the things he could have said, this was clearly not one of them.

“What the fuck?!” I said furiously.

“He was crossing the street, when a car hit him. He’s fine, but his sadly his career as a dancer is…” He trailed off as he explained in a rush, since I was about ready to commit first degree murder on the next person that passed by me. 

But he didn’t need to finish his sentence. There was no need to. 

It was already understood what he was trying to say. 

I just nodded in response, trying my level best to keep my cool. 

“Let’s go back and get my car. We’ll go to the hospital afterwards.”

He nodded in approval as we silently speed-walked back to the car. 

The car ride was quiet the whole way. But I didn’t mind, it wasn’t like we had much to talk about anyway. 

As soon as we got there, we sprinted into the hospital, but we didn’t need to go that far, because just a mere 5 meters away from us was Hobi in a wheelchair. 

If it wasn’t for Jungkook, the next accident would’ve happened. Of course he held me back before I had a head-on collision with Hoseok, since I’m not as good as him at stopping dead in my tracks when I was just running at top speed. 

Hobi gave me a sad smile that I wanted to wipe right off his face.

His stage name was J-Hope for a reason. He was the Hope of our group. Hope of armys. Hope of the world. 

He was such a ball of sunshine. Always happy and cheery twenty-four/seven. His smile was so wide, sometimes I thought his face would split. 

That was the case until recently. 

“Hobi…”

I rushed over to bring him into the tightest embrace I could muster. Burrowing my face deep into the curve of his neck, sniffling. Fighting back the tears that threatened to jump out of my eyes this very second. 

No, I refuse to cry. 

“Hyung...please forgive me-“

“Shut up, don’t speak.” 

Hoseok let out a long exhale, as if he was holding his breath this whole time. 

“You’re such an idiot. You know that, right? What the hell were you thinking? For all I would’ve known, you could’ve been dead right now!” I shouted even though it got muffled since I was talking into his neck. I gripped his shoulder, desperately trying to prevent my anger from clouding my thoughts. The last thing the world needed is me annihilating the whole hospital in a single strike. 

His hand rubbing my back was soothing, but that was no surprise coming from Jung Hoseok. 

He let out a small chuckle, “Well, at least I’m here now.”

“And that’s all that matters. I can’t afford losing another important person. Not again.”

I pulled away to look straight into his eyes, dead serious despite me very tempted to just rush him back home and spoil him to death. 

“Promise me you will never do something so very stupid of you ever again.”

“I’m sorry, Hyung I-“

“Promise me!” I raised my voice, shaking him a little bit at the same time. 

“I promise.”

“Thank you, idiot.”

I stood up and gave him one last glance before I turned to Yoongi, who had his typical poker face on. 

“How long will he have to stay here?” 

“You know I’m right here ri-“

I gave Hoseok a glare that he hopefully understood that said for him to shut the fuck up before i break any part of his body that is not broken already. 

Yoongi answered nonchalantly, “A good three months or so.”

I let my eyes fall downcast, seemingly the floor has suddenly become more interesting than the topic of discussion. 

“...I see.”

Tae rubbed my back in a soothing manner. In return, I gave him a small smile as a token of my appreciation. 

I looked back at Hoseok, who was smiling ever so slightly. 

“Well… I guess this proves how much of a break we need to get our shit back together.” I exhaled, as if saying that sentence took the heavy feeling off my chest. 

The five of them nodded in approval. 

“I just have one question.” The youngest spoke for the first time since we got to the hospital.

“Hobi Hyung… why did you leave like that?” He asked innocently, making my heart clenched. All I want to do is gather them all in a group hug and take care of them. But as it seems, I can’t even care for myself right. 

“I…” Hoseok’s eyes went downcast. Finding that suddenly his shoes were more interesting than the topic at hand. Which may be true. 

“Hyung, you don’t need to tell us right now if you’re not comfortable at the moment.” Jimin chimed in, smiling ever so adorably to lighten up the mood even just a little bit. 

“Thank you…” is all Hoseok said. His voice seemingly cracking, as if he was going to break down any moment now. 

I looked outside the window to see that the sun was at the verge of setting. If we don’t go back soon, we’re going to get quite the lecture. 

“We should probably go back…” I trailed off. But the others caught on and it was a silent agreement that it was time to go. 

They started walking backwards, and I was about to as well until Hoseok called on me. 

“Jin Hyung.”

I turned around and mentally face palmed myself. Of course I’m an idiot and had forgotten that maybe Hoseok will need help to go back to his room. He just got on a wheelchair for goodness sake. 

“Sorry Hobi I’ll help you go ba-“

“No, no Hyung! I don’t need help to go to my room. That’s easy. I just… wanted to talk to you if that was ok?” He asked unsurly.

“Of course you can talk to me! I’m your Hyung and I am always open.”. 

He smiled a little bigger than the last time, I made a mental note. I’m getting better at this. 

“Let me push you back to the room.”

“Hyung, you don’t have to-“

“I know I don’t have to, but I want to. Will you let me do what I want?”

He gave me a questionable look. I just smiled back reassuring in return. 

Sighing in defeat, his previous disappeared as I went behind him to roll him back. 

It was quiet for a couple of minutes, before I realized that he wasn’t going to initiate a conversation. So I decided to start. 

“So… what did you want to talk about with me?”

“I’ll tell you when we get there.” 

“Ok.”

The rest of the trip fell into a comfortable silence. 

 

***

 

On upon reaching the room, I helped Hoseok to sit on the bed there. Afterwards, I brought a seat provided by the hospital next to his bed. 

In the silence we had, I took the time to truly take in our surroundings. 

The walls were painted a baby blue color. There was a desk at one corner that looked like it hadn’t been used in years. On the other side of Hoseok’s bed was the heart rate monitor and other what not. I placed Hobi’s belongings along with mine on the floor by the edge of his bed for easy access. Then last but not least, was the window which was situated on my side of his bed. 

I looked out to see that the sun was about ready to set, curtesy of the crimson, pink, purple, and orange in the sky. 

I would definitely admit that the sky was beautiful. I mean, who wouldn’t?

I must have been caught up with my own thoughts, because I almost didn’t catch when Hoseok cleared his throat. 

I just hummed in response, slightly disturbed that the silence was ruined. 

“I think… I’m ready to talk about it.”

I gave him a sad smile. 

“Only if you are absolutely ready.”

He gave me a slight nod, which proved he was ready. 

“The reason I walked out like that was because… I didn’t want the band to take a break.”

The one thing I will never understand about Hoseok, is that even though most of the time he could be rainbows and sunshine, he could also be just as blunt as the rest of us. 

“...why?”

I’m not sure why I said that with no tone, but I just did. 

“I don’t know, Hyung, I guess I’m just worrying about the future. Like you know those groups that took a break, then they disbanded? I just don’t want to be one of those groups.”

“Hobi…”

Honestly, before he mentioned it, I haven’t even thought of the possibility. Probably because I didn’t want to, or I didn’t need to. We are Bangtan, not any other groups. We are unique, not the same. 

“We are Bangtan Sonyeondan.” I started. I don’t where this will lead to, all I hope is that it helps, because I was never good at giving motivational speeches. 

“We represent South Korea. The nation picked us as their boy group for a reason. I know damn well that fact will never change. So don’t get worried about stuff like this. We’re not normal, we are extraordinary.” I ended with a small smile, proud of myself for conjuring all those words. 

The hope once again returned to his eyes, something I haven’t seen in forever. He gave me big smile which probably was the best part of today. 

“Thanks Hyung, but…”

His face changed from a smile to a snarky smirk.

“You suck at motivating people.” 

I smacked him upside the head, “Brat.”

He chuckled which caused a ripple effect. Soon enough, the small hospital room was filled with laughter that hasn’t been heard in such a long time. 

 

***

 

By the time we were done laughing until our stomachs hurt, it pitch black outside.

I looked back to wall clock situated near the window of the room. It read 3:23 am. 

Damn, so much for sleep. 

“Hyung, you should probably go, it’s way past visiting hours and I don’t want to get in trouble for staying this late.”

I sighed, he’s right after all. 

“Yeah I should get going. Thanks for everything, Hobi.”

“No. Thank you, Hyung. For being apart of Bangtan.”

I gave him another genuine smile, eyes watering in the meantime. 

Patting his shoulder, I got up and grabbed my stuff, making my way towards the door. 

“Hyung.”

I turned around, content with myself. Hoseok shining brighter than ever. I gave him a wink before finally leaving the hospital.

 

***

 

I reached the dorms right as the sun started peeking through the horizon considering that I had to walk almost halfway across town to get back to the dorms. 

As I walked in, I had expected many things, but the scene in front of me clearly was not one of them. 

Some movie was playing on the TV, the four of them were lying around sound asleep, and there was no way of explaining the condition of the living room and the kitchen. 

All in all, the place looked like a category five hurricane went through it in the matter of seconds that even the others couldn’t react on time, or at all in this case. 

To make matters worse was that they looked like they went through hell and back. 

“What the actual fuck happened here?”

Suddenly, all of the attention was on me. Normally, I would be fine with that, but the attention I was getting right now was from 4 people I would never expect to get drunk at a time like this. 

“Oh hey Hyung.” The voice of a drunken, half asleep Jungkook spoke up after a few moments. 

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

“Hyung chill, we’re just… taking advantage of our break right now.” Tae said groggily. 

Oh yeah. 

I mentally facepalmed myself. Of course, we’re on break now. 

“But that still doesn’t explain why Jungkook is drunk and why the dorms look like fifty people raided through it.”

“Uh…”

I didn’t wait for him to respond as I sighed loudly and made my way toward my room, not even having the energy to get a bottle myself despite how much I wanted and needed one. I was just too tired and too much has happened over the course of less than twenty-four hours to for me to give a fuck. 

 

***

 

I collapsed on my bed, not bothering the fact that the room was a mess in itself and that I hadn’t changed. 

I fish out my phone and stare at the lock screen. 

The screensaver hadn’t been changed in forever. Maybe two years? God knows. 

It was a picture of the seven of us after our performance at Music Bank during Boy in Luv era. 

I stood in the middle with light brown, Namjoon stood to my right with slick silver hair. His dimples showing like always. Jungkook was on my left with a deep red hair, showing off his infamous bunny smile. 

Jimin rested his chin on the other side of him, looking good even with just normal black hair. Over the years it was easy to notice the special relationship the two share. Maybe it was because Jimin had a younger brother the same age as Jungkook or vise versa. 

Either way, it was not hard to see that both of them share a unique connection. Jimin looked at Jungkook as if he were looking at his actual younger brother. It was a rather cute sight to see.

Hobi leaned his head with a slightly different shade of brown hair against Jimin, eyes closed and making a pouty face. Just another way to melt someone’s heart.

Yoongi stood on the other side of Namjoon, the same hair color as me, with his Gummy Smile on full display. He hates when we say he looks absolutely adorable, but it’s true. Yoongi’s smile is a true sight to see. 

Tae stood at the very end with his bright orange hair, nose scrunched up and his made into a way as if he were angry. The orange truly fit him though, it reflected his personality well. 

In all honesty, I miss those times. 

The times where we were still learning the difference between right from wrong. 

I remember first seeing Jungkook. The boy was only thirteen when he moved to Seoul to pursue his dreams. 

At age thirteen I was still wondering what to do with my life. 

In a way, I was jealous of Jungkook. He had six Hyungs to love and care for him, he already figured out what to do with life, and man was the kid talented. He was called the Golden Maknae for a reason. That kid is literally good at everything. 

But he had his weaknesses as well. He was so shy, even I had a hard time to get through to him. And I am the best at getting through to anyone if I do say so myself. 

I remember hearing sniffles coming from his room one night. 

I was going to the bathroom, it was maybe two in the morning mind you, I have to pass by his room to go to piss. 

When I passed his room my way there, I heard sniffles, but I dismissed it as my mind playing tricks with me, because who cries at ass o’clock in the morning?

I was making my way back, but still heard the sniffles. That’s when I thought fuck it, and took a peek through the small space where the door was left ajar to his room. 

What I saw was something I clearly didn’t expect to see in a million years. 

The boy was crying. 

Of course, on upon seeing the scene in front of me, my motherly instincts kicked in, and rushed to the kid’s side to rub his back until he noticed my presence. 

“Hyung… what are doing at this time?”

I casted my eyes down, a blush slowly creeping up my face. 

“I had to take a piss, when I passed by your room the first time, I ignored your sniffles thinking that I was just dreaming, but then I heard it again while I was coming back, I got curious so I peeked through your door and well… I witnessed you like this.” I said pointing to his face. 

“O-Oh…” H said while quickly wiping away the remaining tears still on his face. 

After what seemed like forever, I spoke again, “So… are you going to tell me what happened to get you like this?”

He looked away from me after I said that, as if I just spat a string of curses at him, which for the life of me I wouldn’t do.

“You wouldn’t want to know… it’s stupid, really.”

“I am stupid, now tell me.”

He chuckled, “Hyung, you and I both know I am the stupid one.”

“And you and I both know I am not going to leave until I know what’s wrong, what’s your point? Quit changing the subject and just tell me already.”

He let out a stressful sigh, “I’m just… homesick, you know? There I said it, now it’s your turn to laugh at me. Go ahead, I’m ready.”

I waited for him to make eye contact with me, but he never did. So I did what is most reasonable thing possible and pulled him into a hug.

“I clearly underestimated you when you said you were stupid.” 

“I- What?”

This kid

“Oh Jungkook. It’s totally ok to be homesick! You’re only 13 dammit! Don’t chastise yourself for that. You have us here for a reason. Talk to us whenever you have these kind of problems in the future, ok? I know we are all still getting comfortable around each other, but just so you know, as the oldest, I will always be here for my dongsaengs.” I ended with a most genuine smile I could muster. 

He turned around to face me, maybe to see if I’m actually being serious. When he saw my smile, he smiled so wide, showcasing his his bunny teeth. That day I swore to myself to always make the boy smile at all costs, if it means I could see that smile. 

That day I promised I would risk anything to see him smile again. 

Not only him, though. 

To all the other six souls that were my dongsaengs. I promised to make them all smile for as long as I lived. 

Big mistake I made that day. 

Who would’ve known I would be able to witness them crying on so many occasions?

Sure some of them was of pure joy, but others… not so much. 

The day when Tae lost his grandmother… or that day when Yoongi got diagnosed appendicitis. 

I shook my head, I didn’t need to be reminded of back then. 

As much as I would hate to admit it, I was so scared to lose Yoongi that day. 

In fact, we all were. 

Back then when we were still rookies. 

We didn’t know shit in the real world. 

We grew up imagining. 

When we made our debut, it was a dream come true. 

When we won our first trophy, we were unimaginably happy. 

But of course, the universe has to be an asshole at one point in our lives, right? 

After all, that’s why we exist. 

We exist to be toys for the universe to play with. 

Some of us are thrown around harshly compared to others.

Some are just thrown straight into the trash before given a chance to shine. 

That’s the sad part. 

We don’t know when the universe will be tired of us. 

We don’t when it will be our turn to be thrown into the trash. 

All we can do is live our life to the fullest until then. Impress the universe in hopes of given a few years to spare. 

As for me? I don’t give a fuck for when the universe will throw me away. 

As long as the people I care most about is happy, everything is ok… right? 

There’s people who believe that you will go to hell after you die if you don’t repent for your sins. 

Some believe you will become one with the cosmos after you die. 

Other people believe you will just stay in the dirt after you die. 

Me? I don’t know what to believe. 

But it would be nice for there to be a place where you can join the people dear to you once again in the afterlife, right? 

At least I’m hoping for that. 

If there isn’t, well there was never a point for living, and I guess now there’s no point in dying either. 

So I guess the only option that would be remaining would be… what? Existing? Breathing? 

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.

I grunted, dropping the device next to me. 

Wallowing over the past and death, how much more foolish can I get? 

Not willing to check the time, I looked out the window to see that the sun was high on the sky, probably noon or past it.

I practically spent hours doing nothing productive. 

What a pitiful Hyung I am. 

A slight knock was heard on my door, I just grunted again in response, not willing to lift my head to acknowledge who was walking into my room. 

“Hey Hyung…”

That soft voice could only belong to one kid. 

And that kid’s name is Park Jimin. 

“Hey…”

I mentally cringed at my husky voice.

Since when did my voice get this disgusting? 

Maybe it was because I haven’t talked in hours and my throat was dry as hell. 

“Um… it’s already lunchtime, and I was wondering if you wanted to come with us to that restaurant a block or two away? We didn’t want to bother you with cooking so we decided to get takeout.”

“Aren’t you guys supposed to be dying from hangover?”

Jimin laughed, “Hyung, that was hours ago. Have you lost your sense of time or something?”

I giggled, “Perhaps. It was nice of you guys to think of me, though, so thank you.”

“Of course we would think about your wellbeing Hyung! Don’t underestimate us like that!”

I pinched his cheek, “Well I have one question.”

He raises an eyebrow, “And what would that question be?”

“Since we are officially on break has any of you guys thought of like visiting family or something?”

He put his finger on his chin, probably pondering on the question. 

“Actually speaking, no one has even spoke of leaving yet as far as I know.”

I nodded, “Oh… I see.”

“Why Hyung? Something bothering you?”

“No, no it's nothing.”

“Ok…”

There was a moment a silence between us. It wasn’t awkward, actually on the contrary, it was quite comfortable. 

“Hey Jimin, you know how we first met face to face?”

He giggled, “Of course I remember! How could I forget? Probably the most memorable part of that day was when you first laid eyes on me, you literally squealed like a little kid and called me a ball of mochi and pinched my cheeks until Yoongi Hyung yelled at you and had to forcibly pry your fingers off of me to stop.”

“Hey! Don’t put all the blame on me! You literally looked like a tiny ball of mochi and you still do! The only thing that could beat you in cuteness ranking is my sugar glider.”

“Oh my gosh, my hyung is comparing my cuteness with his own pet sugar glider. What has gone wrong in this grandpa’s generation?”

“Oi, if you think my generation is grandpa material hen you clearly haven’t met a Min Yoongi.” 

“Yoongi Hyung is not a grandpa, Hyung!”

“Oh yeah and the sky is falling. Give me a break, Jimin. If Yoongi’s job was to act like a grandpa, the kid would be getting ten times the amount of pay he’s getting right now. You know that just as well as I do.”

Jimin just shook his head in disapproval, “As much as I want to disagree with you, Hyung, you’re right.” 

“When was I ever wrong is the question.”

“Hey, don’t get cocky now.”

I laughed as I finally attacked him with pinches on his cheeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thank you so much for 500+ hits!!! I honestly didn't think it would even get 10, but you guys proved me wrong.  
> I finally revealed how many chapters this fic has, and as you can see, we practically reached the midpoint.  
> [Here](https://www.instagram.com/p/BlViwn5lfhL/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link) is the trailer I created for this fic.  
> Also one more thing, are you guys ready for Love Yourself: Answer?


	6. You Never Walk Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now I can’t even look at myself without having the urge to vomit.

Finally, after maybe an out of tickling each other and laughing to our deaths, Jimin and I stepped out of the room. Jimin heading towards the living room to join with the others, while I made my way to the bathroom to freshen up. 

I took a look at myself in the mirror and mentally cringed. A month ago I looked completely fine, healthy and all. 

Now I can’t even look at myself without having the urge to vomit. 

What the hell happened to me? 

Is this the Kim Seokjin everyone was looking at now? 

To say I look disgusting would be a definitive understatement. 

I had dark circles under my eyes, skin paler than it ever has been, and my lips are cracked so badly. 

I look so ghostly, it’s not even funny. 

I really do look like I have been raised from the deceased, because there is no other way that Worldwide Handsome looked like this before all of this happened. 

I sighed as I finally peeled my eyes away from the mirror. 

Not to mention I was in dire need of a shower. 

I quickly washed myself, changed into new clothes, and headed out to join Jimin and the other members. 

The four of them were sitting silently in the living room, which got me worried. 

“Were you guys waiting for me for too long?”

“What? No, we were just talking and kinda lost topics to talk about so uh we just fell silent.”

I raised an eyebrow to Yoongi, who just nodded to in agreement. 

I let it pass for now, but I made a mental note to interrogate them later on. Right now, I’m just in need of filling my stomach. 

“Alright, let’s go.”

 

***

 

The walk to the restaurant was for the most part, a comfortable silence. 

There was some bickering between Jimin and Tae, or Tae and Jungkook from time to time, but it never lasted too long. 

Yoongi and I walked in the front of the group, haven’t uttered a single word since leaving the dorms. 

I didn’t mind it, though, and it seemed Yoongi didn’t either. 

He did, at one point, open his mouth to speak, but just as fast as he opened his mouth, he closed it, changing his mind. 

We reached the restaurant in no time. Settling for the very back, in fear of cameras and fans recognizing us in public. Especially since we came in as a group. 

One disadvantage of coming as a group is that you are more noticeable in public, whereas if we went as partners, we wouldn’t have that problem nor be having this discussion. 

That reminds me of this time all seven of thought of the great idea of going on the busy streets on Seoul together for “bonding” time. 

We were still trainees at the time. Namjoon had the smartest idea of going out together so we can get more comfortable with each other. 

Now that I look back it, for someone with an IQ of 148, his decision clearly didn’t reflect his IQ. 

It was simple, or so what we thought. Just going to get some groceries at the nearby supermarket. 

Simple, right? 

Boy were we terribly wrong. 

It started out all fine and dandy, we masked ourselves as much we possibly could. Deciding to walk instead of driving, for two reasons. 

One, it would draw attention if we took one of Big Hit’s vans. 

Two, it would be nice to “explore” the streets of Seoul, as Namjoon put it. 

That was our first mistake. 

We were walking when we heard camera clicks all around us. Soon we realized, we were on the news. 

Apparently people were very aware of Big Hit’s trainees or something, because not even a minute passed by until Namjoon pulled out his phone only to show us that we were stars on social media already. 

That’s when we decided to make a run for it. 

Mistake number two. 

As we were crossing the streets, Tae almost got hit by a car if it weren’t for our maknae’s fast reflexes and saved Tae’s ass from certain death before we even had the chance to debut. 

When we reached the supermarket, we decided to take off our masks, thinking that we would be safe now that we were inside. 

That was mistake number three. 

We didn’t even have time to blink before the attention of the whole store was on us. 

So of course, our only solution was to hide in the bathrooms until the store manager came in to confirm that the supermarket was now clear and safe for us to shop with a peace of mind. 

We shopped for a good fifteen minutes then called to get a van over here. Clearly we couldn’t handle anymore than we got already. 

Of course we got scolded on way home, though. 

We didn’t tell anyone before leaving, which was mistake number four. 

I guess you could say that we learned a lot of valuable lessons from that experience. 

Being swallowed up by the memories of the past, made me miss the stares I was getting from the others to answer for something they probably asked. I wouldn’t know. 

“What?” I played it off as purposely not paying attention, but clearly I wasn’t fooling anyone. 

“What would like to eat, Hyung?” Jungkook spoke up before the others had a chance to retort my actions, which I was silently thankful for. 

“Oh… Kimchi would be enough, I guess.”

Yoongi just raised his eyebrow at me, and I acknowledged him with my own. 

“Hyung…” Tae started off. 

“Yeah?”

“You’re acting… different. Is there something wrong?”

What does he mean by different?

A million worse case scenarios run through my head. Different could mean many things, but that’s not the worst part. 

Have I become that easy to read now? 

What if my soul has become so obvious to them? 

Because for the record, I am not a holy man. 

As if on cue, Jimin sneezed my shoulder in reassurance. 

“Hyung, calm down. We are all just worried about you. That’s all.”

I don’t make eye contact with any of them. 

I don’t find the need to. 

“I’m fine, I promise.”

I’m sure they would have pried more of the food hadn’t arrived at the exact same time. 

Yoongi passed me my bowl of Kimchi. 

Once everyone was settled, we started eating in silence. 

That was until Tae spoke up again. 

“So… I was wondering…” He started. 

Suddenly all eye contact was on him, but i couldn’t tell if he liked it or not. 

Knowing Tae though, he probably loved it. 

“Since we are on break now, I was wondering if I could… like pay a visit to my parents? Only if you guys are ok with it though? If not-“

Jungkook cut him off by putting his hand on Tae’s. 

“Tae, you’re rambling again. Besides, I believe everyone is fine with it, right Hyungs?”

We all raise our eyebrow while eying their hands. Noticing, Jungkook quickly pulled his hand away and looked at anything and everything but us. Clearly flustered. 

I made a mental note to question the two maknaes later on, but I’ll let it pass for now. 

“Uh… yeah, we’re fine with it. And that doesn’t only apply to you, Tae, if any of the rest of you would like to spend time with your families. I am not one to object so go for it. I’m sure you guys would like to get your minds off of all… this.” I said in reply. 

Yoongi and Jimin just nodded in agreement, no questions asked. 

But now that I think about it, those two have been acting weird too. I quickly brush the thought off, it’s probably just another figment of my imagination like always. 

“Alright… thanks guys.” Tae said before it got eerily quiet. The type of quite I wasn’t very fond of. 

I let out a shaky breath, “I’m going to stay here for a while. Someone has to be for Hobi. I’ll pay a visit to my family a little later…”

I hope I didn’t sound as suspicious as I felt, because I am definitely not in the mood for further interrogation. 

“Jimin and I will leave after Kook and Tae come back, then.” 

We all turned to look at Yoongi in mild surprise, seeing that this is the first time he spoke since stepping into the cafe. 

“Ok…” Jungkook is the only one to respond. 

“I… I think it’s time we head back.” Jimin squeaks from his spot. 

We all stood up as some sort of answer, if any at all. 

 

***

 

By the time we stepped out of the restaurant, it was already dusk. 

While we slowly made our way back, I stared at the sky the whole time. Soaking in all of it’s beauty. 

The sky was a mix of colors on this particular day. Shades of red, orange, yellow, and a tinge of violet could be seen. Sun, setting at the west. Kissing it’s goodbyes until the next day. 

The moon was peaking out. Shining in all of it’s silver glory. It was beautiful, really. The stars accompanying it made the sight ten times better. 

It reminds of the time me and Namjoon snuck out… again. 

It was another sleepless night for us two Kims. So, our only solution was to sneak out and go stargazing. 

At this point, it was pretty much a routine for us. 

We would lay down on an open meadow, our favourite spot, which wasn’t even that far away either. 

Looking at constellations and wishing on a shooting star every chance we get. 

Sometimes we would talk about everything and anything, other times we’re just enjoying the peacefulness of the night sky. 

This night was a night where we talked. 

Namjoon spoke up first. 

“When I was younger… my father and I would go on camping trips every weekend. He would tell me how the stars remind him of my mom. How he sees the stars when he looks into her eyes. And that’s when he figured out he can’t live without her. Then he would proceed onto telling me, when you find your special someone, Joon, you will know when you are able to see the stars in their eyes. When you do, because you will, make sure to never let go of them. Hold onto them like they are your lifeline, because in a way, they are.”

At first, what Namjoon said was absolute bullshit to me, but then he turned around to look me in the eyes. 

“Hyung… I don’t see the stars in your eyes… I see the galaxy.” He said with the most sincere smile he ever pulled off, dimples and all. 

I sniffles at the memory, too fond to ever forget. 

Tae turned around, maybe to see if I was ok. I just shrugged him off. 

 

***

 

We had reached home, but I decided that I wanted some time for myself. So, I pulled Yoongi to the side. 

“Hey I’m going to stay… out for a while, I’ll be back, don’t worry about me.”

He looked at me as if I had gone mad, and I probably did. 

“You sure you don’t want us with you Hyung?”

I nodded my head vigorously. Thankfully, he let me go without anymore questions. I am too tired with life at this point. 

 

***

 

I made it to the place where me and Namjoon used to stargaze together. 

Making myself comfortable, my hoodie was turned into a makeshift pillow. Then I pulled out the piece of paper that I have been carrying with me since I found it in my room. 

If I was going to read it, now would be the best time. 

I slowly unfolded the paper, careful not to rip it. 

The Hangul was written so neatly, something only Kim Namjoon would be capable of doing. 

Dear Jin Hyung, 

By the time you get this letter, I would probably be long gone heh. I know what I did was completely wrong, and you’re right. I don’t have any excuse for my actions. But, I still would like to tell you the reason why I did this all. You probably already know why, or maybe not. Just hear me out, even if you probably don’t want to. You know how I lost my father when I was young due to the same...thing. When you told me the news, I couldn’t believe you and I’m sure you know that. I stumbled across your lab results...and that’s when it felt like the whole world was suddenly crashing down on me. That is exactly what happened as well. I couldn’t differentiate reality and dreams. I felt numb to what all was happening in and around me. I know I’m not the same Namjoon as I once was. This is an entirely different Kim Namjoon. This version of me is falling through an endless black hole with no escape. I don’t know how it feels to breathe properly anymore. I wanted to believe that this was all one hell of a nightmare I was bound to wake up from. I tried waking up so many times but I never did. Who ever knew a nightmare this bad could hypnotize you into thinking that this was all actually happening? But that is just the thing. This whole situation was real and there is no escape. You know how many times I tried running away, Hyung? I’m sure you could imagine, because, well what can I say? Running from my problems is what I do best. That’s probably what got me in this whole mess in the first place too. I’m sure life would be much more different if I hadn’t ran away back then, right? Sadly, I’m a coward and nothing more. A worthless coward who’s only talents are running away and being hypocritical. I would’ve thought that the idol life can distract me, but dear Lord was I wrong. I’m always wrong, no surprise. You know, Hyung, you were always the one who was right between the two of us. I guess that just proves how much more of an idiot I am. I have an IQ of 148, but this Kim Namjoon doesn’t reflect that characteristic. It’s sad, really, how different these two versions of me are. I’m always in a constant battle within myself, trying to decide with parts I want to show off and which ones I don’t. I guess that’s what led me to make the decisions I made. You see, the reason why I did the things I did, Hyung, is because… I see the fucking galaxy in your eyes. And I can’t afford to lose that galaxy, so I left before it could leave me.   
I hope you are able to understand at least half of this bullshit I wrote. You know just how much I tend to ramble for no apparent reason.   
Well I guess this is goodbye then, Hyung.   
Until next time, this is Kim Namjoon signing out.   
Much love <3

 

***

 

I reread the letter god knows how many times, in tears. 

He said he saw the galaxy in my eyes. 

And I’ll never be able to tell him what I was able to see in his eyes. 

The fucking universe was held by the eyes of Kim Namjoon. 

I had a mini sob fest in the middle of our favourite meadow at ass o’clock in the morning. 

People who were in their right mind to pass by, would’ve seen me and think I’ve gone insane. 

Perhaps I have. 

Not like I would give a flying fuck either way. 

It would definitely not be necessary for them to know why I was crying. 

Even I would like to forget why the fuck am I crying. 

… I seeing the fucking galaxy in your eyes. And I can’t afford to lose that galaxy, so I left before it could leave me. 

The words play in my head, as if it’s some prayer I must recite or else something very bad will happen, which I find kind of ridiculous but I guess ridiculous is the new normal now. 

The saddest part about all of this is that I never got the chance to tell Joon what I saw in his eyes. 

If he saw the galaxy in mine, then there is no way to describe what I saw in his. 

The universe perhaps.

Yes, that’s right. 

I saw the fucking universe in his eyes. 

Why did he have to leave before me?

We could’ve left together. 

Because I can’t live without him. 

He is my oxygen. 

Breathing is not normal if there’s not a certain Kim Namjoon there beside me. 

He was the source of my happiness. 

More of like sadness, grief, and pain now.

What would life would’ve been like if the past was different? 

Well he would be by my side stargazing with me right now for sure. 

The tears have dried up and now there’s only the occasional sniffles. 

But that doesn’t mean I haven’t stopped hurting. 

At this rate, I don’t think I ever will. 

There’s a whole Namjoon-shaped hole in my heart that will never be filled up. 

Who knew one could hurt this badly? 

Clearly I didn’t. 

Before this mess happened, I don’t think I ever understood the true meaning of pain. 

So I guess there’s one benefit from all this bullshit. 

What is Namjoon feeling right now? 

Is he happy? Sad? Indifferent?

… I seeing the fucking galaxy in your eyes. And I can’t afford to lose that galaxy, so I left before it could leave me. 

He sees the GALAXY in my eyes. 

That must mean something. 

If a brain could go on overdrive and explode, I think that is exactly what is happening with mine. 

It sure felt like it, because right then an unbearable headache just debuted in my head. 

My cue to go home, you could say. 

Honestly, what is home anymore? 

My home is in a coffin under the dirt now. 

I’d like to go back home, but I’m not sure he’d feel about me joining him so soon. 

I could see him right now, smiling with dimples and all, “Don’t come back until you finish what you were meant to do, Hyung.” 

Perhaps, I’m hallucinating by now. 

But hallucination or not, that is something Joon would definitely say to me. 

So with much reluctancy, I got up and made my way back home, hazy. 

 

***  
Two weeks later 

I’ve fallen into a deep cycle that I can’t seem to get out of. 

And quite frankly, I don’t want to. 

I would be glued to my bed for the entire day, ignoring all encouragement to get up. 

By the time the sun sets, I would get dressed and leave abruptly, going to some bar or club and get drunk to the core, disappearing the whole night. 

Then I would show up back home at dawn, drunk as hell, and an hour wouldn’t even pass by until I’m over the toilet spilling my guts out. 

Sometimes it would be Jimin behind me, picking up the bits and pieces left over of my worthless self. 

Other times it would be Yoongi, because Jimin wouldn’t be able to handle me as he would be crying his eyeballs out. 

One time I had the urge to tell him to stop crying for an idiot like me, but then I realized that would make me hypocritical because I’m the one forcing him to cry by showing up half dead at the doorstep to our dorms every morning. 

The poor kid is too soft and can’t handle his Hyung getting hurt like this. 

I wish I could stop, but I’m a fucking selfish little asshole that doesn’t know when to stop and when things are just too extra. 

I'm such a disappointment, goddamn, I’ve become so childish. 

But there’s no backing down now, this is the new Kim Seokjin that the whole world needs to know. 

I am no more Kim Seokjin of the past, nor Jin or Worldwide Handsome. 

This is Kim Seokjin 2.0. 

The most selfish, childish, bitchy, asshole ever to exist. 

This is the real!Kim Seokjin. 

 

***

 

Tonight wasn’t any different from any other. 

I came home piss drunk like always. 

There wasn’t anything that could possibly change this time. 

Or at least I thought so. 

But boy was I wrong. 

I came home, god knows how, but I did. 

I was leaning against the doorframe, as if it were the only thing that will keep me grounded to this god awful life of mine. 

The door opened, after several failed attempts of me almost breaking the damn knob. 

The dorms were quiet, eerily quiet mind you, but I didn’t pay much mind to it because dear Lord I am in dire need to pass out or I will lose the little amount of sanity I have left. 

Not that I had any to begin with though. 

After throwing my shoes somewhere and dropping my coat in the middle of the hallway, I made my way towards my bedroom. 

That was until the lights turned on and I thought it was the second coming of Jesus because I know for a fact I had gone blind for a second there. 

I squinted my eyes shut, because damn those bright lights.

The thing that really caught my attention, though, was the half asleep, husky voice that came from somewhere ahead of me. 

If I hadn’t known better, I would’ve actually thought Jesus came and shit my pants. 

But of course, that voice could only belong to one person. 

The one and only great Min Yoongi. 

“Did you drink well?” 

It was an awkward question to begin with, and to top that with my hazy mind, I was practically incapable of understanding what he just said. 

“Huh?” I drawled, not reading in the mood for this. 

“Don’t give me your bullshit, Hyung, you know exactly what I’m talking about.”

A low chuckle escaped my lips, not really with my consent, though. 

“You’re right, I do know exactly what you’re talking about. I just don’t give a shit at the moment. Now if you could kindly move-“

“Stop.” He cut me off. And on any other day, I would’ve yelled at him a string of cuss words or some shit, but today I am just too exhausted for this nonsense.

“Stop what?” 

To be honest, I felt kind of stupid asking the question, because I had a vague idea of what he was talking about.

“This.” He quite literally emphasized the ‘this.’ 

“This what?”

When will you ever learn to stop being an absolute grade A asshole, Seokjin, goddamit. 

“You drinking yourself until you’re half dead bullshit stops today. I have no fucking idea what the hell has gotten into you to be like this, but it is stopping. We can’t have our fucking leader being drunk as fuck all the time, for fuck’s sake.”

I would point out how many times he used the word ‘fuck’ in those three sentences, but I don’t. I’m pretty sure I’m on his final nerve right now, which I’m not sure I’m happy or sad about. 

But that last sentence rang in my head, it kind of threw me off. 

We can’t have our fucking leader being drunk as fuck all the time, for fuck’s sake.

Leader?

“Leader?” I raise my eyebrow quizzically at him, because since when was I the fucking leader. 

“Oh my fucking god, this is too early for me to be having this conversation.” He deadpans. I relate to him on a spiritual level. 

“Then let’s end this and go to sleep.” I roll my eyes, as if that option wasn’t there before. 

“No, Hyung, we need you to stop this bullshit now. I don’t care how much it will take as long as you fucking stop.” He looks like he is ready to break something, which with no doubt he is. 

Why do I always have to be such an asshole goddamit. 

“What’s going on here?” A soft voice came from behind Yoongi. Sounded angelic almost. 

“Oh, nothing much is happening, Jimin. But it would be nice if you could make your boyfriend move so I can get some shuteye.”

What the fuck did I just say? 

Boyfriend? 

Shit, Yoongi’s-

“What the fuck did you just say, Hyung?” Yoongi’s face has turned tomato red. Anger radiating off of him so powerfully. 

On any other day, I would’ve instantly regretted what I had just said, but not today. 

“I said-“

“I know what you fucking said.”

“Then why did you-“

It was hard to process the motion of Yoongi’s fist readily aimed for my jaw, but somehow I mustered the strength to stop his motion with my hand. 

I chuckled, a creepy chuckle I didn’t know I could do, them leaned in close enough so my mouth was right next to his ear. 

“Just let me go sleep this high off before I make matters worse Yoongles.”

That made him instantly relax for some unknown reason. 

I let go of his hand, and in turn he stepped off to the side so I could go past him. 

That was when I was finally able to see Jimin. 

The look on his face seemed scared shitless, cheeks tinted pink, and wide doe eyes that threatened to spill. 

Normal me would've apologized or some shit, but this me has only one goal in mind. 

And that is to go to sleep. 

I hadn’t taken a step when I felt it, though. 

The churning in my stomach. 

Shit 

“I-“

Just run for it Jin dammit 

And that’s exactly what I did. 

I ran as if my life depended on it, to the bathroom, which was already opened thank fuck.

I made it there on record time, managing to reach the toilet on time for me to bring out the bile threatening to spill out. 

The only bad part was that I was doing all of the in the dark. 

But that was fixed immediately, when I saw Yoongi and Jimin rushing in and turning on the light, through my peripheral vision. 

Immediately, I wished they hadn’t turned it on because holy shit the light was too bright for my eyes and my pounding headache. 

I winced, but I don’t think it was quite visible through all the retching I was doing. 

Yoongi hand started rubbing my back, and it felt very comforting and practiced. Not surprising, because he has done this countless times with me before. 

I mentally thanked him, but also felt extremely guilty. I put him through all this bullshit which could have easily been avoided if I was just a little bit more careful. 

Everywhere I go, I just turn out to be an extra burden no matter how hard I try to be useful just for once. 

 

***

 

We remained there for about an hour. Me pretty much bringing out my insides at this point. 

I spared a glance at Jimin, who was crying and gripping the doorknob as some sort of lifeline that he can not dare to let go unless he wants to die. 

Yoongi’s still rubbing my back, it’s as if his arm isn’t even tired, because it’s still at the same pace as it was when he started and gone nonstop. 

From what I could see of his face, he looks likes he has somehow aged ten years over the span of ten minutes. 

His eyes were sunken, cheeks drowsy. 

In conclusion, he looks exhausted and sleep deprived. He’s in definite need to lie his head down for five seconds, because the man is about ready to pass out and I don’t blame him. 

Honestly, the only person here to blame is me, because I can’t get my shit together and I end up dragging other people down with me. 

Finally, my body decided it has had enough of trying to die and I could rest in peace already. 

But, that didn’t prevent me from feeling utterly not alive. 

Yes, not alive, I don’t mean dead. 

Two very different concepts that is, not being alive, and being dead. 

Too find the difference, you need to feel it. 

I finally mustered the strength to reach up and flush the toilet, then scoot back until the wall was supporting me. I made no move to get up, and I think that was a signal enough for Yoongi too clean up. 

I didn’t spare him a glance hoping that he doesn’t bother about me. 

It seemed that Jimin took the message as well, because he didn’t speak, just brought a washcloth slightly wet to clean me up. 

If I wasn’t grateful for these two before, I am definitely grateful for them now. 

No amount of thank you’s will be enough for the amount of work they have done on taking care of their useless Hyung. 

I honestly feel bad for them, having such an ass of a Hyung, I wouldn’t be surprised if they just abandoned me on the streets one day, because they are tired of my bullshit. 

But, then that thing Yoongi said earlier. 

We can’t have our fucking leader being drunk as fuck all the time, for fuck’s sake.

“Do you still want me as your leader, even though I’m doing an ass crap of a job of being your Hyung?” I found myself voicing out loud before I could stop myself. 

Both Yoongi and Jimin stopped what they were doing, Yoongi turning around to face me. 

The expression on their faces had turned so soft, suddenly I got confused thinking that I’m probably making no sense right now in my drunk ass state. 

“Yes, Hyung, you are still our leader. And you are doing just fine as our Hyung, don’t deprecate yourself like that, please, it hurts us. Your actions are justified, drinking is just your way of trying to cope and we understand, but you know drinking isn’t the best solution and it would be better to just talk it out with us, yah?” Jimin said softly, cutting out anything of what Yoongi was going to say. 

His words rang in my head, it was comforting. It made me realize that was the same thing Yoongi was trying to say after all, he just couldn’t express it the same way as Jimin, soft and kind. 

For the first time in a long time, I looked at the both of them in the eyes and smiled a genuine smile, taking their words to heart. 

“Yah, Jimin and Yoongi, it seems that Bangtan’s destiny is in the hands of Kim Seokjin now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't mind the chapter title. IM SORRY IM NOT CREATIVE  
> So who's hype for the new album? I know I am  
> I just came back from marching band so I'm deadass tired, sorry.   
> Anygay, let's keep in touch on [here](https://twitter.com/smicykook) or [here](https://www.instagram.com/smicykook/)


	7. I Don't Know Who I Am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yoongi did continue to yell at me, but as selfish as I am, I didn’t pay much mind to him nor anyone else.

One Month Later

Today is the first day in so long, that I haven’t went out and drank myself senseless. 

For one, it had to do with my health and I realized if I continued that I will actually die of alcohol poisoning one day. 

Yoongi did continue to yell at me, but as selfish as I am, I didn’t pay much mind to him nor anyone else. 

It gotten to the point that the others nicknamed me as death bottle Hyung. 

I realized I could get liver cancer from this after an educational class from Jung Hoseok who just gladly lectured me after I accidentally walked in his room with a bottle at hand. 

That was two weeks ago. The following week, he got discharged from the hospital, was able to come back and live with us.

It’s been a week since he came back, along with Tae and Kook from their visits back home. 

It’s also been a week since Yoongi and Jimin left to visit family, and as much as I hate to say it, I did miss Yoongi yelling at me for the past week. 

That is probably and reason that triggered me to not drink today. 

But for some reason, there was something more that was holding me back, I can’t really put my finger on it. I know it’s for sure important or else I wouldn’t have broke my habit like this. 

It must be something, I just need to figure it out. 

I stared at the ceiling above me, plain white. Sprawling myself over the couch. 

The others have gone to sleep, but here I am wide awake because normally by this time I would be at some random bar or club wasting myself. 

Today, I just didn’t have the motivation to go. 

It wouldn’t be because I am tired or else I would have passed out way long ago. 

Which would have been a good five hours ago possibly, considering it currently three in the morning now. 

Or in Yoongi’s words, it would be ass o’clock in the goddamn morning. 

But honestly, that is very accurate. 

I wish sleep could come to me as easy as it would used to come to him. 

Oh God, now that I think about it, I haven’t thought about him in such a long time. 

And by him, I mean Namjoon. 

I remember watching him go to sleep literally five seconds after lying down. 

That’s why when we went stargazing, I would have to make sure the conversation never ended or else the kid will fall asleep damn fast and it intrigued me a little, how fast he could sleep. 

And when he sleeps, God he slept so well, I’m sure he would be able to sleep all through World War Three if he wanted. 

Not to mention the snores. 

Holy shit, his snores is what earned him the title of The Human Earthquake, in courtesy of Hoseok. 

Everytime Hobi would mention the nickname, we would be cackling so loud while the poor guy would be blushing bright red and look away.

It would be up to me, in the end, to stop the teasing before he broke something as well. 

Oh dear Lord, don’t get me even started on his list of broken things. 

The thought crept a smile on my face, a genuine smile mind you. 

I shouldn’t be awake, I know I shouldn’t be, but I am due to possible insomnia. 

I want to remember the last time I slept before midnight. God fuck that was a lifetime ago apparently. 

Everything was right and orderly before I became this huge mess. 

I’ve been broken and smashed into a million pieces and I don’t think I can ever put myself back together again. 

I wish I knew what it was like to live the picture perfect life. I want to know it. 

Reality is a bitch, though, and you never get what you want, in this lifetime anyway. 

I wonder how it’s like wherever he is. 

I’m sure he’s having the time of his life, looking down on me and just straight up cackling. 

Honestly, I won’t be surprised if he is. 

I’m sure being dead is much easier than being alive. Not to mention that you don’t need to waste your time breathing. 

Breathing is disgusting, it’d be great if it was optional. 

Funny, he was the one who said those same words back then. I would be the one to demotivate him from that idea. 

I miss you, Joon, I really do. 

Why the fuck did you have to leave me behind? 

At least you could’ve had the audacity to take Hyung with you. 

If you saw the galaxy, I saw the fucking universe you asshole. 

Come back. 

Namjoon was the kind to complain if he couldn’t get something right the first time. Not only an intellect, but a perfectionist as well. 

Though he did overthink a tad bit much sometimes. 

… I see the fucking galaxy in your eyes. And I can’t afford to lose that galaxy, so I left before it could leave me. 

Levine before wouldn’t be the right solution in this case, leaving together would be correct. 

I was so immersed into my thoughts that I didn’t even hear the door of one of the rooms opening and semi loud footsteps approaching the living room. 

“Hey Hyung.” 

The deep voice was very familiar, but it didn’t stop me from scaring the living shit out of me. 

I look up to see Taehyung leaning against the wall of the hallway that connected to bedrooms to the kitchen and living room. 

He looks half asleep, which makes sense considering the time, hair messy, just wearing a hoodie and shorts. But he’s definitely cold, since he is crossing his arms and shivering a bit. 

“Hey kid.” I reply as calmly as I possibly can, refusing to show that I was even phased by his sudden appearance. 

He didn’t say anything, until he reached the kitchen, the faint sound of dishes hitting each other broke the silence for a few seconds. 

“Tea?” 

Normally, I’d refuse since I like regulating the amount of tea I drink, but honestly, what is normal anymore? 

“Yeah, thanks.”

“No problem.” He says as he pours water to create the drink. 

The whole time he made the tea, it was a comfortable silence that doesn’t come nowadays, so I was thankful. 

It’s funny to think that I prefer silence over talking, whereas before I’d hate the quiet and force myself to speak something. 

Back then, it was easier to talk. 

In the past, I didn’t have to talk with depressing knowledge at the center of my thoughts. 

There was no need for me to think what I want to say carefully. 

I wouldn’t have to speak knowing that I’m a leader now, not a follower. 

Tae came back with two warm cups of tae at hand fifteen minutes later, handing one to me. 

The drink felt good in my cold, skinny fingers. It became the center of my warmth, even though it’ll only last so many minutes. 

Bringing it up to my mouth, it felt good on my lips and tongue as well. 

Made me feel warm on the inside just briefly. 

“You didn’t go drinking today.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement. A true one at that. 

“Yeah...didn’t feel like going.” I shrugged off like it was no big deal, because really, it wasn’t. 

“Yoongi Hyung would be proud of you.”

“Yeah? I hope so.” I chuckle a bit, imagining the reaction of the man. 

“You broke your streak.”

I raised a confused eyebrow at him like he’s suddenly gone crazy, because quite frankly, I have absolutely no idea what he is talking about. 

“What streak?” 

He doesn’t look at me while answering, paying more attention to his tea, which is understandable since I wouldn’t want to look at my ugly ass face either. 

“You has a long streak going by the number of dedicated nights you went out… though today you broke it.”

Oh

“Well if you put it that way… then I guess I did.”

“Hyung…” He pauses midway, almost seeming he’s scared to continue. As if I were to get mad at him or something. 

Lately I’ve been too tired to express much of any emotion if I were being honest, but there’s no need for me to say that, because that could lead to explaining things I don’t know how to explain. 

I just don’t know. 

“Yeah kid.”

“Why did you suddenly take on this habit? I mean you were never one to be a heavy drinker back then… that was mainly Yoongi Hyung’s job. So what changed in you? Only if you mind answering of course.”

Because I’m a shitty ass person who deserves to die of alcohol poisoning is what I want to say. 

Instead of answering at all though, I just looked down. There’s no need for me to self deprecate myself in front of the younger. That job is meant for me to do when I’m drunk to the bone. 

“I’m...not sure kid. But if I need to give an honest answer, I guess drinking is the only solution I found to cope with the world that’s moving on too fast for my liking.”

He nods solemnly, picking up on how I don’t necessarily want to talk about this that I’m grateful for, so he doesn’t press on. 

Namjoon didn’t prod either. 

The thought came unwillingly into my mind and it immediately brought tears that I for the life of me don’t want to spill out when I’m being watched on. 

Crying is for the weak

The tea remained in my hands, getting colder by the second. I didn’t mind it much, since it prevented from me having a mental breakdown at 3 in the morning.

I wonder how other people are able to function with this same scenario.

They don’t deserve it, only me. 

I’m an idiot of a Hyung, who can’t do, say, or act for the life of me without being in the verge of dying in the process. 

I need my dongsaengs to do that job for me sadly. 

It just goes to show how dependent of a grown ass man I’ve become.

By my age, normal people would be able to do stuff while thinking rationally. 

Oh how I aspire to be one of those many normal people. 

Instead, I can’t even live on my fucking own. I need to live those who give at least a little shit about me to survive.

I think thats the saddest part about my whole life. 

I'm not my own self, I’m Kim Seokjin from an alternate universe. 

If there was one wish that had ever come true in my life, it should be for me to go back in time where the real me was. 

The current me is a person no one should be able to see, that’s how bad it is. 

The small clank of glass hitting glass woke me up from my thoughts. 

I didn’t move my head, just using my eyes to see that Tae was just placing his cup on the coffee table in silence. 

Tae was one special kid. I love him a lot. 

Jimin would be considered his counterpart, “Jimin is the one who corrupts Tae’s innocence” Hoseok would say. 

In a way, it was true, Jimin does corrupt him, nothing bad though in my opinion.

Taehyung was the kid who had a bubbly personality like Hoseok, but he also had this completely different side that no one has enough brain cells to understand yet we all love it. 

It’s just that part of Tae that gravitates anyone towards him. 

“Pretty much impossible to hate him.” Yoongi would say. And he was right, even if we say we hate the boy, we all know deep down that that’s physically incapable of us. 

I sighed, stopping my mind from playing images from the past. 

It’s so easy to forget where we are currently, tempting ourselves to believe that we are still in the past where there was no such thing as sadness.

I looked up to see the boy looking back at me. 

He was always known to think a lot, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he was doing just that right now.

“What are you thinking about?” I said, which must have caught him off guard as he blinked a couple of times before breaking the contact.

“It’s nothing, really.”

“Don’t lie to me, I know there’s a million thoughts going on in that brain of yours, and well since none of us are going to sleep, might as well share our thoughts, yeah?”

He just giggled, “You talk a lot for so early in the morning, Hyung.”

Seeing his eyes twinkle caused me to smile not resisting. It was a genuine smile, something that doesn’t happen often these days. 

“Let’s take a visit to that nearby lake, get some fresh air.” I suddenly said.

I’m not sure what made me to say it, but it wasn’t a bad idea. 

Tae’s smile even grew bigger, which means it wasn’t a bad idea at all. 

We quietly put on our shoes and slipped passed the door, not wanting to cause a commotion. 

The night air was warm with a gentle breeze coming from the west. 

The sky was a nice navy blue, the small specks of stars scattered around it.

The lake was a good block away, on our way there, I just kept my eyes glued to the sky, the one thing that had always remained constant throughout my life.

I always looked at it when I needed reassurance to move on, it never once failed me with it’s natural beauty. 

If there is one thing I want to do in my next life, it would be to become one with the cherishing sky. 

I want to know what it feels like to be so high up, looking after the mortals that are breathing under it. 

The sky itself was one breathtaking picture, the colours it makes never ceases to amaze me. 

It’s vast beauty is indescribable, words are not worthy to handle the beauty. 

Once we reached the lake, I took a seat beside it, removing my shoes and resting my feet in the water. It was cold, but manageable.

Tae has gathered some stones on our way here. He started to skip them along the water, the tiny splash noises were music to the ears. 

The moonlight was reflected off the water, giving a shimmer each time Tae skipped a stone. 

“Hyung, you should come skip stones with me.” He said enthusiastically.

I wasn’t one for doing such things, normally I’d be the one sitting on the sideline watching the younger one’s do it. Sometimes with Yoongi.

Each time I came here with Joon, he’d be the one skipping the stones, persuading me at the same time. At the end of the night, of course he would always win and I’d skip a couple before we left for home.

As much as I wanted to refuse, I couldn’t help but smile, “Alright.”

Tae handed me a couple of rocks, and we started skipping them together in silence.

The silence wasn’t awful, in fact, it was amazing. It allowed me to be deep in thought like i have been a lot nowadays. 

Namjoon found skipping stones as a stress-relieving hobby. Back then I didn’t understand why, maybe because I spent half the time staring at him in all of his glory. 

Times have changed. I finally understand what he found so relaxing about this simple task. One wouldn’t understand until proven otherwise. 

I miss him.

I have lost track of the amount of times I have thought or said that out loud. It’s been too long.

I gave the water in front of me a good stare. Watching the liquid glimmer under the dim moonlight. There aren't any street lights nearby since where the lake is located isn’t exactly near the streets, so the only source of light comes from the night sky above us. 

The sky is lucky. It doesn’t have to worry about it’s loved ones dying at such short notice. And there are newborns that replace them without leaving a single hint. 

I wish humans could do that. Anew human being can just walk into one’s life, after their loved one leaves them. 

I guess that is what makes humans unique in a way. Once one person moves on to the next world, there is no replacement. 

His death made me realize that I don’t know who I am anymore. He was all I got. Now I need to find who Kim Seokjin of Bangtan Sonyeondan is again. 

There is one conclusion I can draw right now. It’s that my life will never be the same, there is no turning back.

I watched as the last rock that was in my hand skipped a good few meters away. 

Maybe I can find myself.

“Hey hyung can I…ask you something?” 

I sat down, adjusting myself until I found a position that was comfortable but won’t let me fall asleep by accident.

“You know you can ask me anything, Tae, go for it. Speak your heart out.”

He let out an audible sigh, taking a spot right next to me, gazing the horizon.

“I’ve been wanting to ask this question for a while...but the topic isn’t very...favoured I guess you could say. And well, I thought if I asked I might just get scolded for asking. I tried asking my parents when I was younger, but I quickly realized that this isn’t something very accepted here so…”

Now that he’s mentioning this, my brain automatically created worst case scenarios on what the topic could be, but I pushed all of that to the back of my mind, hoping that it was just my curiosity getting the best of me. 

“Tae you know I hate when you beat around the bush...please just get to the point.” 

I turned to look at him to see that he was very visibly nervous, swallowing thickly, adam’s apple bobbing. 

“Well hyung the question is...is it really wrong to be gay?”

The question shouldn’t have hit me harder than it actually did. Maybe because I didn’t expect the question at all? I don’t know what has gotten into me, but when he asked, it is like something in me clicked in. 

“It’s...it is not wrong to be gay Tae. I know it is not something that is accepted here in Korea, but if you have realised you are gay, then so be it. You’re sexuality can’t be suddenly changed by one action, it is just apart of who you are. If you are being yourself, then don’t give a shit about what other people may think, for all you care they can fuck off. As long as you do you, then nothing else in this world matters.”

I ended with a smile on my lips, I never realized how passionate I was about this topic until now. 

I’m glad he had asked me that question, perhaps deep within myself i had hoped that someone would ask me that so I could have the honour of answering the question. 

Tae’s gaze on me is probably what snapped me out of my fantasy and back to reality, tears were slowly running down his cheeks and I started worrying that maybe I had said the wrong thing. 

But before I could say anything he cut me off, “Do not worry hyung, you did not do anything wrong. In fact...thank you so much for your answer, I really needed that. I am so glad I am able to call you my hyung.” 

At this point he was a sobbing mess and my heart hurts for him, so I stretched out my arms and pulled him closer to me, vowing to myself the same vow I made all those years ago. 

I will keep him under my wing and take refuge. 

The question shouldn’t have hit me as hard it did. Of course I was expecting one of the boys to ask me this at one point in our lives, the topic is not inevitable unlike popular belief. I had imagined one of them coming to ask me this question a few years after our debut, I guess I never expected now of all times. 

I must have been staring at Tae for too long, because he started getting uncomfortable and squirmy. 

“H-Hey hyung you do not need to answer the ques-”

“Shh, it is my turn to speak, you keep quiet, ok?”

He nodded his head, eyes downcast as if I just scolded him and gave him a harsh punishment. 

I tried my best to pick the right words to say, not wanting to slip up on such a controversial topic. 

“Our country...finds it wrong to be gay, but…”

I audibly gulped, who knew it was this hard to talk about something like this?

“If you truly find that you are more attracted to males than females, then fuck all those people who thinks it’s wrong, you need to do you, do not give a fuck about the haters.”

Tae opened his mouth to say something but I quickly cut him off, probably this will be the only time I will have the balls to talk about this, so must get everything off my chest to the best of my ability.

“I know we are global superstars but...we are also the role model and voice for this generation. Standing up for them is also our job. If one or more of us happen to be gay, there’s no use in hiding because word will go out one way or another. If we are gay, we should come out for the whole world to see, let the antis be. We should not be told who we are allowed to love, because this is our fucking life and we are allowed to make of it how we choose too and not some old hags who are still stuck in the 19th century.”

Once I was done with my speech I looked up to make eye contact to a much rather surprised Taehyung. He looked as of I just dropped a bomb on him.

And mayhaps, I have.

“Wow hyung...I did not think you were so passionate about this topic.”

I let a low chuckle pass through, shrugging, “I did not know I was so passionate about this topic either...until just now.”

He smiled at me eyes shining in the darkness of the night. 

“I wish...the older generation was more accepting of us. Times are changing, they can not be staying in this old fantasy of theirs.”

I sighed, “Yeah me too.”

Then a sudden popped up in my head, could Tae be gay?

The question was quite personal, I did not want to push him too hard, talking about gay is tiring as it is.

My mind is playing this back and forth battle of whether or not to ask, but he already made the final decision for me. 

“Hyung you look like you want ask me something, just go for it.”

I nod slightly, “Ok well...why are you asking me this? Are you...gay?”

Suddenly, his uncomfortable expression came back on his face and I realized I fucked up once again.

Wait to go being a role model, Jin.

“I...do not know who I am.”

That caught me off guard from my self-pity party. 

Kim Taehyung does not who he is? Then what would make me?

I shake my head vigorously. I need to act like the older brother I am, not a douchebag...or at least not right now.

Tears started coming out without my permission, trickling down my cheeks slowly, making their way towards Tae’s shirt. 

My answer for him...I’m not sure it was to convince him or more of myself. But in the end, as long as we keep to our word, I guess it doesn’t matter who it belongs too. 

By the time we had both calmed down, the first rays of daylight started peeking out from the horizon.

“We should probably start heading back home now before Hobi hyung thinks we both went out for drinking during the night.” 

I laughed at that, an actual genuine laugh. Tae’s not wrong, Hobi knows us all like the back of his hand. But tonight was different, I can walk home sober and have learned something new. Something that I should keep at the back of my head for later.

“Would it be wrong if I said that I enjoyed not drinking and just absorbing the calmness of the night?”

He looked at me quizzically, his features soft otherwise.

“I enjoyed myself too, Hyung. Haven’t felt so content with myself in quite a while.”

“That makes the both of us.”

We walked back home, both of us in our own different worlds. I smiled despite myself, at the progress I made from lying down on the couch staring at a blank ceiling, having an inner pity party, to being beside the lake, spending quality time with Taehyung whom I haven’t been able to associate much with lately. 

It’s funny how fate puts together a person’s life. The downs making us curse the living being out of fate and then the ups making never being thankful enough to fate. It’s ironic, really, how the human mind works. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to grasp the complete potential us humans possess, nor am I going to. 

I only resurfaced to the real world when we had reached the door to what we call home. Taehyung has his hand on the doorknob, but much to my surprise, he turns around to face me. 

“In the off chance that Hobi Hyung is up, which will be most likely, what should our excuse be?”

I pondered that for a minute. We would have to make some believable shit up for this to work, or else the both of us will never hear the end of it. 

“Let’s...let’s say we couldn’t sleep so we decided to pay Namjoon a visit. It has been a while so….”

He nodded, “Ok, good idea.” Then turning around only to pause midway. 

“Oh and Hyung?”

“Yeah?”

“Can we...keep what we had talked about to ourselves….at least until I have found myself.”

“Of course...after all, it’s not only you he needs to find themself.”

He didn’t say anything, just opens the door as quietly as humanly possible. Both of us toeing off our shoes and silently making it back to our rooms. 

I thought we would be able to slip through unnoticed, yet god forbid the door just had to open, revealing Hoseok on his wheelchair in all of his magnificent glory. 

The kid looks exhausted and slightly annoyed at the same time. How he has the energy to put up a front so early in the morning is beyond me, but before I can comment on it, he beats me to it. 

“You’re not drunk.” He says it as a statement instead of question like I had expected.

I just simply shrug it off, forcing myself to act like nothing happened so this process could move faster.

“Didn’t feel like it.”

He nods, breaking the eye contact which meant I was dismissed. Not intending on him to change his mind, I quickly open the door and slip in, shutting it just as fast, not before hearing Hoseok say “Taehyung stay there” though. 

I didn’t have the heart to stay by the door and eavesdrop on what could possibly be Tae’s impending doom. Just glanced on the clock to read 7:30 am.

I collapsed onto the unmade bed, looking blankly at the pastel blue ceiling above me. The few rays of sunlight that started to filter through the closed windows made the room seem a little brighter, not as dark and heavy like I had felt at the start of the night. 

In fact, I feel quite the opposite. It’s like some kind of weight has been lifted off of me, even if it is just a sliver. 

Even a sliver can make a huge difference over time. 

It didn’t feel like this a while ago, maybe it has something to do with being at my safe spot at the lake, or skipping rocks which was considered a stress reliever to Namjoon, or maybe it is just the fact I was able to talk about a subject so dear to me to a person the I consider dear to me as well. 

Whatever it is, it has made me feel better about myself nonetheless. 

They say communication is key, and they aren’t wrong. 

It is just when you communicate with someone that you hold tight onto, the feeling is different.

It feels more liberating in a sense.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I know it's been a little more than three months since I have updated, sorry please don't be mad. I've been busy with marching band, but now things have calmed down and I can finally focus on stuff without all my time being consumed by band lol. Love you guys and please enjoy this chapter, and don't worry, 8 won't take this long to come, I hope at least. I'm hoping to finish updating this soon so I can start and new work, which may or may not be a series. I'll put a poll on twitter for you guys to decide what I should do next, so choose wisely! Until next time then. Btw, waste it on me is so beautiful like just wow.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic so please bear with me :P.  
> Sorry for the short chapter, I promise it will get better.  
> Love yourself, Love myslef, Peace <3


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